In response to concerns of painfully long commutes and generally annoying “far-ness,” the Los Angeles City Council on Monday approved an ordinance that will move the city of Santa Monica “closer.”
Voting 12-3, the council overwhelmingly approved the measure to relocate the beachfront town, moving it “at least, like, 20 minutes closer.”
Spearheading the motion is council member and Studio City resident Paul Krekorian, who, when taking his family to the Santa Monica Pier one Sunday afternoon, realized that something was very geographically wrong.
“I was in the car with my wife and children, heading to the pier, when it suddenly hit me: ‘My. God. We left the house 25 minutes ago and are still not in Santa Monica. We still have probably another, like, 15 minutes until we get there,’” Krekorian said. “And, you know, my kids are asking how much longer it’s going to take, and my wife is giving me the silent treatment … for, mostly, unrelated reasons, but I assume the far-ness of Santa Monica had something to do with it. I just thought to myself, ‘Enough is enough. Something needs to change.’”
Krekorian soon discovered that he was not alone in his concerns, as the motion was met with enthusiastic approval by the majority of the council.
“A lot of the places that people need to go to are in Santa Monica, but none of the people live in, or around, Santa Monica,” says Paul Koretz, a fellow council member and supporter of the bill. “It would save everyone so much time and money if it were just a little less far away.”
Some L.A. residents, such as 32-year-old Tristan Matthews of East Hollywood, think the ordinance is just what the city needs.
“I work for a digital marketing startup in Santa Monica,” Matthews said. “I don’t even know what digital marketing means, but I still have to commute an hour back and forth every day? It doesn’t make any sense.”
“I constantly have to go to Santa Monica for auditions, and every single time it takes kind of a long time. Every single time,” said 26-year-old commercial actress Shania Thomas. “It’s just, like, how far can one place be? It’s unconstitutional.”
Relocation of the city is set to officially get under way in early 2016, and will be orchestrated by famed architect Frank Gehry.
“I live in Santa Monica, and have always felt embarrassed by how not close I am to all the other places where all the people live,” Gehry said earlier this morning. “I’d considered moving closer, but then didn’t want to have to deal with the hassle of Santa Monica being far. So, this just takes far-ness out of the equation altogether. It works out perfectly.”
Not everyone is on board with the city’s relocation, though.
“This is the problem with the millennial generation,” said Judy Spears, a 68-year-old Eagle Rock resident. “In my day, every city was far away. It would sometimes take us hours to get to a city we were already in. But we dealt with it, and never complained. This is just ridiculous.”
When asked if he had any other ordinances in the works, Krekorian said that his next proposal will be to move the city of Glendale farther away.
Check out all of our April Fools Day coverage.