Halloween weekend is here, and for the nightlife set, that's good news.

If you're a guy, you can dress up like a complete fool and get away with it. You can also wear a mask, which allows you to do – and say – pretty much anything you want to whomever you want with no ramifications, providing you're fleet of foot.

Also, masks help if you're ugly.

On the other hand, if you're a broad, you can wear something completely slutty and whore-like and no one will bat an eye. You can also act the part because everyone else is doing the same.

This signifies two things.

First, there's a lot of fresh, easy, yes-I-want-to-make-a-bad-decision ass out there on Halloween weekend.

Second, as with many holidays that revolve around partying, it's amateur night.

Those of us who are fucked up the other 364 days of the year are offended by your crooked-walking, speech-slurring, purse-losing presence. Not to worry, though.

We'll still fuck you.

With that in mind, here's a primer on what type of freak will be wearing which slutty costume this Halloween. Because the holiday wouldn't be complete without sex-ified versions of uninteresting everyday characters.

Can't we all just... do it already?

Can't we all just… do it already?

• Police Officer – She's got some pent-up aggression, will dominate you, owns real handcuffs and possibly even a billy club. If she pulls out the billy club, calmly put your pants on, tell her you're going to the bathroom and get the hell out of there.

• Hippie – She's sweet and innocent, or at least looks that way. She'll have a few drinks, but doesn't do drugs, which makes “hippie” a costume and not a lifestyle. She's a nurse or teacher in real life and she will fuck your brains out.

• Nurse – She's boring, uninspiring and probably not that interesting to talk to. She did choose the most cliché of all female Halloween costumes, after all. On the positive side, she's got a great body, so if you can tolerate her mindless blather for three hours, go for it.

Hey mister, would you like to buy some cookies?

Hey mister, would you like to buy some cookies?

• Girl Scout – Now we're talking! Give me some cookies, bitch! Smart, sexy and possesses a certain sense of irony. You'll have to try hard for this one, but you'll want to make her breakfast in the morning.

• Cat – She doesn't get out of the house much and therefore doesn't realize “cat” is even lamer than “nurse.” She doesn't know what she's doing at this party and she thinks someone may have roofied her drink. Stay away, she'll probably scratch your eyes out.

"I'm a mouse. Duh."

“I'm a mouse. Duh.”

• Sexy [insert other animal here] – She's a good-time girl. She's creative, fun and doesn't take herself too seriously. She's also probably 10 years too young for you and on her way to a rave.

• Maid – Let's face it, this is the only time of year you'd think about doing a maid. She's smart and sexy, but knows how to let loose when she's not working 16-hour days. She'll take you back to her place, fuck you, tell you to leave and then tell her friends about your performance at brunch.

• Cheerleader – She wasn't very popular in high school, but struck the looks lottery sometime thereafter. Now that she knows she's hot, she's going to be the biggest flirt and tease in the room. You may be able to get her number, but that's about it.

Yeah, with the life she's had, she's not getting on her knees any more.

Yeah, with the life she's had, she's not getting on her knees any more.

• Princess – She actually thinks she's a princess, or at least that's what daddy calls her. Will not drink. Will refuse to have a good time. Will not acknowledge your presence. Her pissed-off boyfriend will pick her up at midnight.

• Devil – This one is actually what you'd it expect her to be: a slut. Everyone is dressing
up sexy, so she needs to go the extra mile to assure everyone she is easier than all of these amateurs by channeling the prince of darkness, himself. Wear a condom.

• Pirate – She doesn't want to be stereotyped or judged, but doesn't know she's presenting an image that leads to just that. Cute, but slightly insecure. This is low-hanging fruit. Grab it.

• No Costume – She's pretentious, thinks she's smarter than everyone else and probably needs a good backhand across the face…or a facial.

Happy hunting and remember, enjoy slut night if you can. It only comes but once a year.

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