It's a slight consolation to Angelenos to know that a few of the most-boosted cars across the land are douche-mobiles well known to city drivers.
Number one, according to the annual Highway Loss Data Institute's just-released top-10 stolen-car list, is the Cadillac Escalade, available in four versions. (See another recent list here, which contrasts this one with a bevy of crappy, easily parted-out rides. Discuss).
Ah yes, the plastic-chrome-adorned, cost-twice-as-much remix of the Chevy Suburban. If you're a celeb in L.A., or just want to look like you've got Andrian Grenier in the back, yours is black. And this is the best place in America to rip one off:
The Cadillac Escalade is more than 6 times as likely as the average vehicle to be targeted by thieves and has overall theft losses more than 10 times as big …
That's right. Big like 40-year-old American straight men.
Just head to your nearest valet stand dressed in black and a bow-tie, wait for the mini dresses to unload, and drive away.
Voila! You got a g-ride for the night, baby. The great thing is the owner won't realize it's gone until 2 a.m., and even then she'll be so drunk she won't be entirely sure what happened.
But wait, did we say g-ride?
Yeah: Number 6 on the list is the Chrysler 300. And heck, the Hemi version rounds out number 10. That's the square pimp ride with oversize wheels from Chrysler.
If you drive one you're either a criminal, a cholo, or one of those retarded white guys with the shaved head, white t-shirt and ese shades who wants to look like a cholo.
The very sight of a Chrysler 300 on dubs just screams, “Pull me over, I have coke in the trunk.”
What we don't understand is why anyone would steal one: You know the owner is going to hunt you and mow you down like Scarface on a violence bender.
Anyway, to temper that news, we take a look at the 10 least-stolen vehicles.
You know what's cute? The Mini Cooper Clubman. It made the bottom of that list. Aw. Nobody wants to steal a chubby, wanna-be BMW?
Just be thankful if you have an Audi A6. That's the number 1 least-stolen car. Sensible. Four-doors. German. Unsexy. Practical. And never, ever pulled over by cops. It can't even get arrested. We're buying one now.
Read both lists here.