We were already pretty pissed after those pride-killers over at CQ Press claimed Los Angeles wasn't even in the Top 100 in the nation for violent crime. (Shouldn't two serial prostitute killers count as some kind of double-word-score? Foul statistics, begone! At least Compton repped crime for the county, as a small consolation.)
Now, the cronies at the Weather Channel, of all people, are making the no-doubt erroneous claim — in a hideously formatted smear piece — that not a single L.A. roadway is in the nation's Top 10 fattest holiday traffic jams this year. And to that we say:
Curse you, cronies! Since when were you qualified to write about anything other than weather, anyway? You're probably just bitter about having to post that same beautiful little sun above “70 degrees” on L.A.'s weather page every day.
We understand why we haven't made it onto any of the Weather Channel's other Top 10s, considering they're in categories like “Fall Foliage Destinations,” “Family-Friendly Destinations” and “Hawaii Natural Wonders,” but traffic?
That's our thing, man! Take the traffic out of L.A., and it becomes this frighteningly idyllic urban paradise with no smoggy traffic stories to scare away crabby New Yorkers who sing the praises of “walking distance” like broken Lou Reed records. Now that New York is in the No. 1 spot for holiday traffic, what's to stop them from migrating west?
Almost more depressingly, freaking Dallas made the list.
Why do we have to be so free of crappiness right now? Even our token crappiness has been stolen from us, making the lack of shit to complain about so extreme, it's hard to really be thankful for anything this year.