Might as well just get this out of the way now. You either want to follow the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, formerly known as Prince William and Kate Middleton, around L.A. like creepy red-coat sympathizers (the weekend after Independence Day, no less) or — we hope — distance yourself from their manic media entourage and ensuing #RoyalTraffic. So we'll succumb. We'll print the stupid itinerary. With links to Google Maps. Mmk, stalkers?
The Royal Couple, rumored to be staying at the Beverly Hills Hotel and Bungalows — because the Schwarzenegger estate has obviously been ruled out, due to extenuating circumstances — will be accompanied by the Private Secretary, the Tour Coordinator, two Press Secretaries, Sir David, an Administrative Assistant and a Hair Dresser. (Not sure why they're capitalized. Probably because they're royal. No more questions.) Here goes:
Friday, July 8
• Land at LAX. British ambassador Sir Nigel Sheinwald (along with every TV news crew on the West Coast) will be greeting the royal couple at the gate.
• Attend new-media summit at the Beverly Hilton to promote “Tech City,” London's version of Silicon Valley. (Don't laugh.) Every venture capitalist who's any venture capitalist will be there!
• Some sort of political schmooze-fest in Hancock Park. Called a “working reception” by Consul-General Dame Barbara Hay. Whatever.
Saturday, July 9
• The Royal Couple will — boo — leave L.A. for a “polo challenge” in Santa Barbara. For Wills, the “challenge” will be playing polo, and for Kate, it will be debuting a new dress. Also, Giada de Laurentiis (you know, the Food Network gal with the T-Rex arms) will be preparing lunch. A holiday for the books!
• Black-tie dinner at the Belasco Theater, hilariously described by their private secretary as “fabulously regenerated” and “undergoing a renaissance.” Much like the tech summit, but for B-List (read: British) actors trying to meet real, working Hollywood connects.
Sunday, July 10
• Private party at a private home, benefitting African charity Tusk USA. You're not invited.
• More charity work — this time, to the delight of schoolchildren at downtown's Inner-City Arts. Take it away, private secretary:
The next engagement brings the couple back into Downtown Los Angeles. They will visit Inner City Arts, an incredible organisation which uses visual arts and performance to give inner city kids – in one of the toughest neighbourhoods in the world – an oasis of calm, fun and learning. It seems to be at the direct meeting point of couples' interests: homelessness is a massive issue in Downtown LA – 270,000 are homeless in Los Angeles. As we've discussed earlier, The Duchess is extremely interested in how the arts can help young people unlock their potential. It brings together these strands in a concrete, meaningful way.
• For their last stop, Wills and Kate crash Sony Studios in Culver City. (OK, fine, we just got one teeny little butterfly. Sorry, founding fathers.) The couple will meet with military families and assemble care packages for soldiers and such.
• Depart LAX in the afternoon. Skeptics: officially free to come out of hiding. Stalkers: officially free to get your life back. If it's not too late.