[Originally published 2/4/11]
Here at West Coast Sound laboratories, sports were never our strong point. We spent more time playing music in garages and basements than on any playing field. Super Bowl season is difficult for us, we go to parties for the beer and nachos, but eventually have to attempt to talk football. It's awkward for all parties involved. But if there's one thing we do like about Super Bowl season, it's digging up embarrassing footage of football players attempting to rap. So we combed through the expanses of the internutz for awesome/awful/amazing football videos for your viewing pleasure:
10. Ram It – LA Rams
Well, there they are. A group of gigantic men in super tight pants extolling the virtues of “Ramming.” Making a music video is a long process, and not once during the production of this 1980's video did anyone, not even one person, express concern that perhaps “Rammin' It” may be misconstrued? That's a miracle!
9. Raider Nation – Ice Cube
In the pre-Are We There Yet era, Ice Cube was a tough mofo. But somehow on his ode to the Raiders, he doesn't quite master the gangsta flow. While rapping about “playing past regulation,” and the Raider's “commitment to excellence,” his lyrics aren't hardcore, they're just awkward. It sounds like he recorded this in the back of an Escalade.
Great lyric: This ain't black gold, this is black silver
8. Super Bowl Shuffle – Chicago Bears
This was the video that started it all. After the Bears' “Shufflin Crew” dropped this bizarre and unbelievably awkward rap/dance thing, other teams across the nation decided that they needed a bit of rap in their lives. There's something magical about watching grown men fake playing the bongos and clap off beat to a 7 minute song. Want to see the most excruciating “rap” ever by a white dude? We suggest fast forwarding to 4:22.
Best lyric: We're not here to start no trouble, we're just here to do the Super Bowl shuffle
7. Prince Halftime Show 2007
We went into watching this video of Prince's halftime show in 2007 only having seen the image of the artist-presently-known-as unleashing his gigantic phallo-guitar. Then we watched the whole video and realized, this actually rules. Typically for half time shows, they make musical meatloaf by featuring 5 or six different performers at the same time. For this show, it's just Prince and the pouring rain. It's actually a pretty stellar performance and it appears that he's actually singing, which is very rare for these performances.
6. Silver and Black Attack – Raiders
The Raiders tried to get tough on their song “Silver and Black Attack,” bringing out some guitars for this rock/rap track. Wait until about 2:50 for a heavy metal surprise.
5. Can't Touch Us – Miami Dolphins
Keytars, flat tops, jam pants, and pervy radio hosts? This video has it all. About halfway through, we experience a surprising twist. The Dolphins start mixing their rap songs, and mentioning “Mama Said Knock You Out,” while MC Hammer's jam keeps on running. We blame repeated head trauma for this error.
Best Lyric: Stop! Dolphin time!
4. Pittsburgh Steelers – Stairway to Heaven
Wow. Just. Sigh. This is one is really tough to get through, but if you have the intestinal fortitude to trudge through an entire rendition of “Stairway to Heaven” packed with obtuse Steelers references, be our guest. We are not liable for any medical/mental disorders you may incur from it.
3. Like a Cheesehead – Higher Education
Probably the most current entry into the pantheon of terrible football songs, “Fly Like a Cheesehead,” is no less embarrassing. The most confusing thing about this song is the title. It's obviously referring to Far East Movement's “Like a G6,” but “Flying Like a Cheesehead,” seems like it would be better as a Steve Miller/Seal cover. Just sayin.
2. Cincinnati Bengals – Bootsy Collins
Apparently taking a break as professor emeritus at Funk University, Bootsy Collins takes up the Bengals' cause for “Fear the Tiger.” In other videos of football players rapping, the players seem in on the joke. They know they can't rap, so they're only half assing their performance. But here, the Bengal's players seem to be going for some record deals. As for the violinist? You're signed!
1. Lil Wayne
Does anyone know how Lil Wanye became so amazing? Was it gamma radiation? A radioactive spider bite? Years of exposure to Purple Drank? How ever it happened, we're happy to see him express his Cheesehead allegiance.
Ten is never enough. Did we miss any ridiculous football videos? Let us know in the comments.