So the unemployment rate in America is not quite as bad as we thought, and Wall Street is slightly happy but still schizophrenic.

Because nearly 1 in 10 people out of work this summer is sort of okay, comparatively, and maybe better than last year, but not really (and, in reality, almost 2 out of 10 Americans and maybe more are part of the “long-term unemployed”).

Anyway, stop your whining. There's plenty of work out there for you, L.A., and we're not just talking about that temp job you found after standing outside Home Depot, or late-night deliveries to Charlie Sheen's house. A quick glance at Craigslist finds some stellar jobs just waiting for your perky ass:

-This listing for “actors/extras” actually emphasizes that “there is pay.” Whew. And you thought there wasn't?

-If “there is pay” is way too aspirational for you, you can always invest in being an editor for a “digital children's magazine concept,” which, it appears, might or might not actually put decent currency in your pocket but “may lead to employment in the future.” (Don't you just love job ads that don't actually offer jobs right now-right now, but maybe later?).

-If even the prospect of future pay just screams “optimism” to you and you're just not that cheery, you could always work for this person, who is “developing multiple websites that are adult in nature” and is “swamped.” What will you get out of it? “A good opportunity to learn.” (Yeah, learn this).

-Ah, but your self esteem is just a little too fortified for the legit adult website biz, and AT&T doesn't accept “opportunity to learn” as payment for your iPhone bill? You can always work as an “actress/ model” for a yoga company and come away with this recession-busting prize: “ACTRESS WILL BE PAYED WITH $90 YOGA MAT … ” Yeah, suck on that, Obamanomics bashers.

Your work will be rewarded.; Credit: Terri Oda

Your work will be rewarded.; Credit: Terri Oda

-A yoga mat doesn't fulfill you, you say? You want to change the world while also being able to tell your mom that you do something other than smoke weed everyday? We have the gig for you: A “game-changing” job writing news that “encourages, inspires, and motivates.” Light up the incense and assume the pose, cause you're doin' stuff with this job. You're going to write “news from the grass roots of American, a true feel good story” [sic]. Of course, being a righteous blowhard who can't write well has its costs. In this case, “This is a non-paying position.”

Now get out there and work, America.


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