If you don't watch “Jimmy Kimmel Live!”, and you wouldn't be the only one, you probably had no clue that today was the unofficial (or official, if you ask him) house-cleaning day for Facebook hoarders everywhere.
Kimmel calls it National Unfriend Day, or NUD. (We think he should have chosen Federal Defriend Afternoon, because then everyone talking/trending about the FDA this morning could have unintentionally repped his stupid holiday. Too late.)
On the real though:
Where does a washed-up Sarah Silverman reject living in Conan O'Brien's late-night shadow get off thinking he can conduct a hive exercise, anyway? Like he's running some kind of earthquake safety flash-mob or some shit.
Still, Kimmel has our attention today — because, like a crisp pull of Four Loko, the word Facebook unfailingly makes our ears glow and our pop-culture-odometer do backflips. So yeah, we're going to talk about your bright idea for a sec, Kimmel. You're welcome.
The talk-show loner dubs your collection of extraneous thumbnails “friend fat” — that layer you either can't quite remember or (regrettably) can't quite forget, no matter how many times you delete their event messages. And he's super-duper upset about it, for reasons the Weekly has yet to uncover. Probably something to do with the single-chin diet. Or that time Sarah Silverman unfriended him.
Here's our beef: How does sitting inside on a perfectly good Hump Day — agonizing over our exact degree of human closeness to some 200 on-the-fence “nice” types, asking ourselves questions to which we never wanted to know the answers — make for social liberation? If anything, we're more confused than ever.
Plus, “friends” always post way more entertaining statuses than those same-ol' chicken-soup friends we can count on to be cool or funny or whatever it was we hired them for in the first place.
Yeah, we could unfriend a “friend” on the grounds that she's not really our friend, but then she's, like, really not our friend. You thought it was awkward before when you'd run into all your semi-acquaintance “friends” at Whole Foods — but you don't even know what awkward is until you've run into all your semi-acquaintance enemies at Whole Foods after having unfriended them.
Heck — by that point, they've probably all friended each other on the common ground of your own arbitrary jerkiness, and likewise pieced together your strangely wrought Wednesday of painstakingly trolling for all those persons from your past you wished to let go of forever, in one symbolic mass-delete.
All because fucking Jimmy Kimmel told you to. The same guy with one blank-ass Facebook wall and 10,948 “fans” to look at it.
Kimmel's Twitter, on the other hand, is alive and chirping, with 13 tweets in as many days. Guess what they're about? National Unfriend Day. We're not sure what to make of all this, but we know there's some irony in there somewhere, therefore allowing us to scathingly say: We didn't want to be your friend anyway, Kimmel. Or your “friend.” William Shatner, on the other hand…