FRIDAY, January 5
“We don’t need no education . . .” Well, you don’t if you want to continue using such grammar. The kids of School of Rock show off what they’ve learned with a performance of Pink Floyd’s The Wall. And by now you’ve probably guessed that it’s a pretty slow week if we’re sending you to Agoura Hills to watch some spoiled kids play the music you hold sacred. The Canyon Club, 28912 Roadside Dr., Agoura Hills; Fri., Jan. 5, 8 p.m.; $16. (818) 879-5016.
SATURDAY, January 6
What started with more than 5,000 unsigned drummers is now down to the wire with just four — and boy, are their arms tired. Drum Off 2006 Grand Finals comes to its loud conclusion, and along for the ride are Stephen Perkins of Jane’s Addiction and Hellride and Travis Barker of Blink-182 and +44, both performing, plus more drum connoisseurs than you can shake a Nick Petrella #10R General Rosewood stick at. The Henry Fonda Theater, 6126 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Sat., Jan. 6, 7 p.m.; $15. (310) 578-7050 or www.ticketweb.com.
SUNDAY, January 7
We know what you’re thinking: What would happen if that red-suited superpower family The Incredibles took it to the ice? Why, you’d have Disney on Ice Presents a Disneyland Adventure! Also onboard are Buzz Lightyear, Alice and the Mad Hatter, and Baloo. Los Angeles Sports Arena, Exposition Park; Thurs., Jan. 4, 7:30 p.m.; Fri., Jan. 5, 11 a.m. & 7:30 p.m.; Sat.-Sun., Jan. 6-7, noon, 3:30 & 7:30 p.m. Then at the Long Beach Arena (is anybody reading this?), Jan. 10-15; $15-$60. (213) 480-3232.
MONDAY, January 8
If it’s Monday, it must be Reel Talk With Stephen Farber. Be the first on your block to see Freedom Writers, starring Hilary Swank as a Long Beach schoolteacher who manages to inspire her students to keep journals of their thoughts. This movie doesn’t sound terribly good, does it? Oh well, it’s a slow week, which we will continue to use as an excuse until Thursday, when things finally start to turn around. At least the film’s producers, Michael Shamberg and Stacey Sher, will be on hand to talk about the movie. Guess they have nothing better going on either. Wadsworth Theatre, on the VA grounds, 11301 Wilshire Blvd., W.L.A.; Mon., Jan. 8, 7 p.m.; $20. (213) 365-3500. TUESDAY, January 9
But it’s not a slow week if you live for the Chinese New Year. L.A.’s big Chinese New Year parade doesn’t take place until early February, but to satisfy your cravings we now have the New Tang Dynasty Television’s Chinese New Year Spectacular, a Vegas-size shebang with dancing Dai girls, mythical dragons, drummers, musicians and basically everything to blow your mind except Wayne Newton. Kodak Theatre, 6801 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Tues.-Wed., Jan. 9-10, 8 p.m.; $38-$188. (800) 558-9045.
WEDNESDAY, January 10
It doesn’t get much slower than this: American Cinematheque has decided that chronically overrated director Allison Anders deserves a tribute to celebrate the release of her 1987 debut, Border Radio, on DVD. Many people recall the film as being excruciatingly bad, with drivel-like dialogue, slow takes that make audience members squirm and look at their watches, and a cast of “Look, my friends are in punk-rock bands!” Some remember it less fondly. Many of the cast, including John Doe, Chris D., Iris Berry, Chris Shearer and others, will appear to pretend it’s a really good movie. And can you believe this piece of shit took three years to make? American Cinematheque redeems itself with an appearance by Helen Mirren late in the week. Egyptian Theater, 6712 Hollywood Blvd., Hlywd.; Wed., Jan. 10, 8 p.m.; $10. (323) 466-FILM.
THURSDAY, January 11
If you read only one blurb this week, please make it be this one, from a past issue: “?‘A cross between Loretta Lynn, Courtney Love, Lenny Bruce and Billy Graham,’ says Tammy Lang of her Lord-loving, Demerol-popping, Wild Turkey–swigging Tammy Faye Starlite, who returns to town to save a few souls and probably offend a few more in Tammy Faye Starlite’s Born Again Again! On some levels, Tammy Faye is strictly a country-music goof, singing of good women under the spell of bad men and love of her daddy, which we’ve all heard in a thousand country ballads. But on songs like ‘Did I Shave My Vagina for This?’ and ‘God Has Lodged a Tenant in My Uterus,’ she pushes the envelope to really sock it to country music’s family values. And she does it all like Linda Blair at her cutest, with body glitter, sacrilegious blow-job jokes and a very fine band, the Angels of Mercy. As her manager once said, ‘She loves the Lord so much, it’s beginning to make Him nervous.’?” (Reprinted with permission of this author.) The Renberg Theatre, The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center’s Village at Ed Gould Plaza, 1125 N. McCadden Pl., Hlywd.; preview Thurs., Jan. 11, 8 p.m.; runs Fri.-Sat., Jan. 12-13, Jan. 19-20 & Jan. 26-27, 8 p.m.; Sun., Jan. 21, 7 p.m.; $20. (323) 860-7300.