Illustration by Mitch Handsone

My senior research coordinator, Chlamydia Pines, came up with the idea of using a coffee mug as an ersatz microphone stand for our DS-330 digital voice recorder. Specifically, an unassuming 1989 Peet’s white ceramic mug, which has just the right interior diameter to hold the recorder at a 20-degree angle — optimal inclination for unobtrusive tabletop conversation theft — and just the right height so that the DS-330’s little red record light peeks out over the top, visible, even to drugged-out, half-crazed merrymakers, from a fair and balanced 20 paces.

Armed with our mug of voice-pilfering paraphernalia, Chlamydia and I did spend our nation’s annual day of alcohol worship, St. Patrick’s, in as many public dens of decay as would have us, and the ensuing fortnight meticulously transcribing eight hours of recordings, so that we could furnish you with the following pop quiz.


Each of the statements below was committed by an authentic drug-crazed lunatic. Circle the drug(s) you believe to be most responsible. The correct answers are at the end.

1. The Cat and Fiddle, Hollywood, 6:30 p.m.
What’s that you’re reading? A menu? Is that any good? Huh. I’ll have to check that out sometime. Yeah, my dad took me to a restaurant once, when I was a kid. I think they had menus there. Do you have parents? “Just two”?! That’s funny! I’ll have to remember that! Ha-ha. So do you have a boyfriend?

a. Bass Ale
b. Guinness Stout
c. Veuve Cliquot Demi-Sec
d. Mickey’s Malt Liquor
e. Robitussin-DM

2. Mar Vista Lanes, Mar Vista, 7:25 p.m.
Excuse me! Hi! I couldn’t help but notice that you’re bowling! I’ve always wanted to learn to do that. I’ve been coming here for years, but I still haven’t worked up the courage. Have you ever had group sex?

a. TheraFlu
b. Bud Light
c. Miller Light
d. Johnnie Walker Red
e. Uncle Otto’s Weiss Beer

3. Le Sex Shoppe, Sherman Oaks, 9:10 p.m.
Wow — that’s just like the one they used in Café Flesh! Hey — have you ever seen The Road to Wellville? It’s really good. Or maybe not that good, but I liked it. I hope you’ll excuse my asking, in a porno store and all, but would you and your friend care to join me next door for a beer?

a. Miller Genuine Draft
b. Miller Lite
c. Miller Genuine Draft Light
d. Orval Trappist Ale
e. Goatskin o’ Vermouth

4. The Barrel, Sherman Oaks, 9:15 p.m.
Yeah, I like beer. And porno stores. Sometimes I drink it out of a bottle — the beer, that is — sometimes a can. That’s when I’m at home, watching pornos. When I go out, like now, I drink beer from a glass. That’s so weird — that we’re all drinking beer from glasses, even though we’ve barely met. Have either of you ever been in a porno? I had a small part in The World’s Biggest Gang Bang.

a. Miller Genuine Draft
b. Jameson’s Irish Whiskey
c. Robitussin Maximum Strength
d. Absinthe
e. PCP

5. Nuart Theater lobby, 10:10 p.m.
Hey! Remember me! From back in ’83? Or was it ’84? At My Breakfast With Blassie? At the back? Behind the guy with the Mohawk? Yeah! What’ve you been up to?

a. Sanwald Weizenbier
b. Vicks 44
c. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale
d. Foster’s Special Bitter
e. James Squire Pilsener

6. Reno Room, Long Beach, 10:53 p.m.
Man, I can’t believe it’s almost 11 already. You hungry or anything? Wanna get out of here? We could go . . . I dunno, maybe . . . somewhere. Something must be open. Shit. Where could we go? Wait a minute. No. What about? No. Hm. Shit.

a. Bass Ale
b. Rolling Rock
c. Hamm’s
d. Crack
e. Cripple (cream soda and Ripple)

7. 7-Eleven parking lot, Long Beach, 11:04 p.m.
Motherfucker! Fuck the fucking fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

a. Budweiser
b. Bud Ice
c. Bud Light
d. Bud Ice Light
e. Pabst Blue Ribbon

8. Highland Grounds, Los Angeles, 11:46 p.m.
Happy St. Patrick’s Day. I’m gonna go make out by the fire pit. Feel free to join me.

a. McEwan’s India Pale Ale
b. Double latte
c. Hot buttered TheraFlu™
d. Soju Kamikaze
e. Silver Ridge Petit Sirah

9. Ralphs or Vons Supermarket, Los Angeles, 1:18 a.m.
Now that’s an attractive chicken! Do you have chickens at home? Me neither! That’s so weird! Steven and Judith have chickens, but we don’t. Weird. I used to paint pictures of chickens for a living, until I met Nikki. She lived up in Santa Clarita, with chickens. Noisy-ass chickens. I’m sure glad I don’t live with chickens. Man, oh, man.

a. Andre Cold Duck
b. Carlo Rossi Chablis
c. Coors Light
d. Newcastle Brown Ale
e. Michelob Honey Lager

10. The Palms Bar, West Hollywood, 1:52 a.m.
What say we go get some breakfast? I know a great all-night diner just down the block. I don’t suppose you like your eggs fertilized . . .

a. Robitussin Honey Flu
b. Maker’s Mark
c. Bud Light
d. Southwark Black Ale
e. Moosehead

Answers: 1. a, e; 2. a, b, d; 3. b, e; 4. a, b, c, d, e; 5. c; 6. b, d, e; 7. e; 8. d; 9. a, c; 10. a, e.

previous columns:
03/12/04 Wholesome Paternal Story
02/27/04 The Legend of Jesus of Crawford
02/18/04 The Abruti Ploy
01/30/04 The Shit Less Taken

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