Because Live Blogging is so gauche.
- Occasionally the Grammy Committee's old fogey sensibility yields huge dividends. See the inclusion of Morris Day and the motherfucking Time. As far as I know, only two people have paid much attention to Morris Day and the Time post “Jerk Out:” the illustrious Alfred Soto and Kevin Smith. This must change. Peep the “Jerk Out” video–I envision heaven as being eerily similar. Also, Morris Day has had as much plastic surgery as Joan Rivers. I'm reasonably certain that the man can no longer raise his eye brows, tragically depriving the world of this expression.
- Okay, I'm as happy as anyone that Jason Bateman has had the greatest career comeback since John Travolta, but couldn't they have gotten someone more famous to host this year's Grammy's? Then again, this may have had something to do with the writer's strike. On another note, how long is it before David Faustino makes a return to the spotlight? Or Jason Hervey? C'mon network executives, if the 2 Corey's made it to the screen, you can make this happen.
- Dear Kanye, stop trying to be Michael Jackson. This also goes for you too Usher, Justin Timberlake, Chris Brown et. al. Repeat after me, there will never be another Michael Jackson–ever. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, let's talk about Kanye's performance. The decision to recruit Daft Punk was wise if not slightly predictable and “Stronger” was easily the best performance of the show. As for Kanye's tribute to his late mother, it was certainly touching and I imagine if I'd lost a parent it'd have been even more poignant. On the other hand, it once again shows exactly how narcissistic Kanye is. The Grammy's are a celebration. The guy could've performed “Good Life” and brought the house down, but he needed to make it about him. Still, his performance was arguably the show's finest, so I really shouldn't be complaining.
- Whose bright idea was it to allow Fergie do a duet with John Legend? Her popularity will forever mystify me. Every time I hear this woman sing I either want to fall asleep or make cracks about adult diapers. As for John Legend, you can't deny he's talented if not boring, but the guy needs to stop wearing cravats. Who does he think he is, Austin Powers?
- Ringo Starr. A much better name than Dick Starkey.
- The Boost Mobile commercials with Young Jeezy, JD and Mickey Avalon are the worst I've ever seen. They make Red and Meth's deodorant commercials look like Citizen Fucking Kane.
- Nice to see the Grammy's making the token nod to the gay audience by letting Cher introduce a category.
- The big winner of the night: Jay-Z. Not only does did he ride Rihanna's coattails for a Grammy, but the guy also probably rode Beyonce's um…coattails after the show as well. Anyone who doubts that Jay made the right decision in sticking this one out obviously did not see how ridiculously good Beyonce looked tonight. Meanwhile, Rihanna, while clearly gorgeous, did not show n' prove this evening with that new Grace Jones haircut of hers.
- Tina Turner's performance was nice, but I'm pretty sure she and Morris Day go to the same plastic surgeon. These two give new meaning to the term “I Can't Feel My Face.” In a vaguely related tangent, is Ike Turner croaking at 76 from a cocaine overdose the most hardbody death ever?
- Andy Williams is presenting an award! Nelson Muntz will be pleased.
- Why do Grammy voters love the Foo Fighters so much. I don't think I've ever met anyone who would admit to being an active fan of the Foo Fighters. The best compliment I've ever heard about these dudes is that they're good enough to make you not want to change the radio. That said, you've got to respect Dave Grohl and more importantly, you've got to respect Dave Grohl's hair. It's like the 8th wonder of the world.
- ]Who is Brad Paisley and why am I disappointed that he's not wearing paisley? Moreover, how does he think it's acceptable that he's playing a leopard guitar? Judging from a cursory observation of Paisley, he does not seem to be a 17-year old girl named Amber from Orange County.
- Kanye West wining Best Rap album had to be the least surprising pick of the night. Even less surprising was Kanye's tremendous obnoxiousness. It's one thing to brag, it's another thing to brag poorly. If you're going to be an arrogant bastard at least be funny. Watching Kanye at awards shows reminds me of the “Flying Hellfish” episode of The Simpsons, where Burns asks Grandpa Simpson if if he can manage to go five seconds without embarrassing himself and within four, his pants fall to the ground.
- Tal Rosenberg said it best: Feist, the Lisa Loeb of the 00s. Watching her perform “1,2,3,4” I keep on expecting Ethan Hawke to appear in the crowd.
- John Mayer: Like Eric Clapton if he really sucked. Why can't the guy just stick to blogging and the occasional guest appearance on a sketch comedy show. He's technically very proficient but his notes never seem to have an ounce of soul. That duet with Alicia Keys sounded eerily like the “totally excellent music” they play in the future in Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.
- I think Amy Winehouse is talented and all but I can't watch her perform for the life of me. Right now, she looks like the Wicked Witch of the West. I know that's a little harsh, but give me a break, I'm just not into girls with tattoos of horseshoes on their biceps. Sorry.
- Josh Groban might be the most boring Jewish person ever. And nothing against Obama, but the guy might want to re-think Oprah's support considering this is the sort of music she recommends.
- John Fogerty: ain't nothing wrong with that. Also, Little Richard and Morris Day may in fact be the same person.
- Herbie Hancock! Herbie Hancock! I mean Herbie Hancock is great and all but talk about out of touch. For once, I won't blame Kanye for the inevitable tantrum. He was robbed. Graduation is by far the most innovative and best record in the bunch. Then again, Herbie played on Nefertiti, In a Silent Way, and A Tribute to Jack Johnson, you can't really get too mad about giving the guy album of the year.
Ike Turner: The Vigo the Carpathian of R&B
Brad Paisley: Apparently, he's a Musician Or Something?
They Tried to Make Me Go To Rehab I Said No…No…No.”