[Editor's Note: Shea Serrano sometimes writes about Why This Song Sucks, and sometimes about his hilarious and poignant life and times. Better put your shoes on because your socks are about to be blown off.]
7:18 a.m.: I'm taking the boys fishing this morning. There's a serviceable little fishing peer about an hour from my doorstep so that's where we're heading. The plan is to just hang out with Boy A and Boy B for a bit, but also there's a secret plan: I've loaded my phone with a SUPER DUPER MR. HOOPER tough playlist that I want to listen to with the boys while we fish and talk and just exist as father and sons. Best case scenario: We get to experience at least one profound moment (hopefully it happens during the bridge of Jimi Hendrix's “The Wind Cries Mary”). Worst case scenario: I come back home with only one of them because I tossed the other into the ocean in a fit of rage. Fingers crossed.
8:30: Hhmhm. We've been here for two minutes and things are already weird. The lady next to us, an older Black woman, somehow hooked a crow (I didn't even know crows liked the ocean). Like, she just managed to hit it as she was casting and it got tangled in her line. She reeled him while he tried desperately to fly away. Once she got him onto the pier, she started a conversation with him. (“Now hold still, bird. I'm trying to get you off. I don't want you and I know you don't want me. Let me ge–HOLD STILL, BIRD.”) Is there some sort of government program that gives homeless people fishing poles. Thanks a lot, Obama.
8:30:15: Boy B wandered over and asked her why she caught a bird. Her response: “I caught a bird because I caught a bird.” I can't tell if that's especially profound or if she's just being a chode.
8:41: Alright, after several infuriating minutes of prep, the Spiderman fishing poles are officially on deck, bro. True player shit.
8:49: HOLY CHRIST BOY B CAUGHT A FISH. LIKE, HE CAUGHT THAT SHIT BY HIMSELF. HE'S REELING IT IN NOW. THIS IS MONUMENTAL.
8:50: Haha. This fool was reeling it in like he'd hooked Jaws (“IT'S TRYING TO PULL ME IN THE WATER, DADDY!”). I'm looking out onto the water waiting for the blue barrels to pop up and shit. This fish is the size of a baby's fist. And he hooked it through its belly. Adorable.
9:11: Phone is playing music. It's cycled on to LL Cool J's “I'm Bad.” It's the first single from Bigger and Deffer, his second album. I'm not certain he was ever able to balance being aggressive with being marketable more covertly. The track is, to be sure, a magnanimous flashpoint in his career. Boy A's summation: “I like this song, Daddy.” Fuckin' right, you do.
9:34: Jesus Christ. So for the last 40 minutes now, Boy B's been strutting around the pier like he's the goddamn king of the seas and oceans. “Daddy, but why am I so good at fishing?” Chill out, hoe. He was three inches long. And you hooked him through his stomach. // We were sparring a couple weeks ago and he caught me with a proper left cross that split my lip open. He reminds me every single day. He'll probably talk about this fucking fish for six months.
9:47: EXCELLENT. A Chopped Not Slopped version of The Weeknd's “House Of Balloons.”
9:47:05: “Chopped Not Slopped” refers to the DJ style Texas icon OG Ron C perfected wherein he takes albums, slows them down a bit, the mixes them. It's not unlike DJ Screw's Chopped and Screwed, save for Ron's versions are a step or two quicker so they maintain most of the original melody. It's positively gorgeous.
9:47:30: “Daddy, what's wrong with this song?” -Boy B
I'm not sure this kid is even my son anymore.
9:54: SON OF A BITCH. Boy A just caught a fish. “DADDY, LOOK! I GOT A FISH. HE TRIED TO TAKE THE FOOD AND I CAUGHT HIM!” How the fuck am I losing a fishing contest to a kid that thinks the Quad City DJs are the greatest rappers of all and a kid that refers to bait as “food”???
9:54:15: BTW, the boys have an old iPod now and the Quad City DJs' “Space Jam” is one of the four songs on there. THEY LISTEN TO THAT SHIT 1,000 TIMES A DAY. I've never hated Bugs Bunny more.
10:03: Dudebros, this is not going how I planned. They're not even listening to the music. Black Star's “Definition” came on (Black Star is maybe the most underappreciated rap duo that's ever been -their Mos Def & Talib Kweli are Black Star album is very nearly perfect) and I said, “Hey, boys, this song is one of my…” and before I could finish Boy A said, “Daddy, wanna see a magic trick?” and then he took a handful of bait and threw it off the pier. I'm not sure how much more of this I can take.
10:14: Both of them now: “Daddy, if you feel a tug, that's a fish. Just pull the pole and you'll catch him.” BITCH I KNOW HOW TO FISH. I'm about to dropkick both of these fools right into the Gulf of Mexico.
10:19: Ewww. Okay. An old man next to us caught a sea snake. What an awful looking little thing. If I catch a sea snake as soon as I see it I'm throwing my pole in the water and sprinting right the fuck off this pier. I think this is a good stopping point. The boys managed to completely ignore Stevie Ray Vaughan's “Pride and Joy” so I guess they don't even really have hearts or emotions. They've been asking to go play on the beach for a bit so we'll go down there and I'll let them run around for an hour and then we'll cut out.
10:24: The boys are at the shore practicing karate moves. I'm not sure I've ever seen anything more majestic. I'm really disappointed that I don't have the “You're The Best Around” song from The Karate Kid loaded in my phone right now. Still, if one of them starts to glow like Bruce Leroy in The Last Dragon, this'll all have been worth it.
11:11: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. The boys were sitting down at the edge of the water doing whatever and a GIGANTIC FROM NOWHERE wave came and destroyed them. It sent them tumbling all the way up the beach. They got up all soaked like, “WHAT THE FUCK, BRO???” The best. That's it. That one was definitely delivered from heaven. Good one, SRV. Let's take it the house.