[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: “Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall”
History: “Humpty Dumpty Sat On A Wall” has a bunch of supposed origin stories: One posits that Humpty Dumpty was unlikeable humpbacked king, another that he was a slow-moving shield of armor. I don't know. The only thing they all seem to agree on is that Humpty Dumpty was not, in fact, an anthropomorphic, uncoordinated egg.
Atmospherics: Lollygaggery; whimsical whimsicality.
Analysis: Let us accept the ridiculous premise. Let us assume that Humpty Dumpty is a walking, talking egg. He lives among humans. He pays taxes. He wears clothes. He sees attractive women and thinks about them later while he fondles his egg penis. He has a soul and feelings and thoughts and aspirations. He is, for all intents and purposes, a man.
Even still, there are a hefty amount of inaccuracies and curiosities within the song. Line by line:
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
Hey, jackass. If you're an egg, maybe you don't go climbing walls. Maybe you just chill the fuck out on the ground with all of the other things that explode upon impact? I'm saying, I can't think of any foodstuff more ill-structured for extreme sports than an egg. I mean, when's the last time Danny DeVito went skydiving, y'know?
All the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again.
You know what's never ever happened? Nobody has ever broken their arm and then been like, “Quick, SOMEONE CALL A HORSE!” If I need to ride out of town after robbing a stagecoach or if I need to kick a field goal during a Super Bowl commercial, I'll call a horse. But if I need to mend a snapped appendage, I'm probably gonna go with a doctor or a nurse or even a boy scout or ANYTHING BUT A GODDAMN HORSE.
Humpty Dumpty sat on the ground
See, when I was a junior in high school, I had this really genius idea: I grabbed several packets of beef-flavored Ramen noodles from the pantry, took out the flavor pouches, opened them and then mixed them into a bin of warm water. It was supposed to be like eating a steak, except without the hassle of having to chew. It should've been great. but it was disgusting. I drank about half a glass before I just threw up all over the place. It felt like a gerbil was crawling around inside my small intestine. My mom's response when I told her I might be about to die: Sit your dumb ass down. Humpty gets the same advice.
Humpty Dumpty looked all around; gone were the chimneys and gone were the roofs.
This motherfucker just fell down and broke his body into 1,000 tiny pieces and he's still looking for things to climb. I guess you have to admire his spirit.
All he could see were buckles and boots.
I wish people still wore boots with buckles on them. That was the move back then. Imagine how slick it'd be to just roll up on a girl in the grocery while wearing boots with buckles on them? HOLY CHRIST IT'S AMAZING TO EVEN THINK ABOUT. “Hi, how are you? See these boots? Yeah, those are buckles. Wanna go makeout in my Miata?” BOOM! That's a winner.
Humpty Dumpty counted to ten.
Humpty Dumpty took out a pen.
Where's this going?
All the King's horses and all the King's men…
Not these toads again.
Were happy that Humpty's stood 'gether again.
We missed some steps, I think. So he's all busted to pieces, calls over a few horses, takes out a pen, then POOF!, he's back 'gether again? That's what they were teaching in medical school in the 1400s? Fuckin' eggs, man. Them boys are wild.
(I) My next son is due in less than two months so that's why I was listening to this recently.
(II) Danny DeVito has probably been compared to eggs more times than he'd like to remember.
(III) 127 Hours wasn't near as good as everyone said it was going to be.
(IV) Have some sort of medical emergency? Call a horse and grab a Bic. Problem solved.