- Maybe instead of wallowing in unchecked misery over “the girl with the fat diamond ring” (really, the fat diamond ring is the main thing that you remember about her?), you should just step to one of the mermaids swimming around the set of your music video. Granted, mermaid human/relations have always been a bumpy proposition (just ask Hans Christian Anderson), but I find it hard to believe that PM Dawn couldn't have have at least snagged some tail. So to speak.
- Stop whispering your vocals. You will always be set adrift on memory bliss if you step into the booth and start whispering sotto voce asides that make you sound like you're trying to scheme on 3rd graders with pigtails.
- Stop wearing pink headbands. The collabos with Boy George are one thing. You can always play the sensitive and tolerant card. But c'mon dude, you're 300 fucking lb.s, you look more like a tuft of cotton candy than a suitable mate.
The Photo That Reveals That Killa Cam Has Been Wearing Hand-Me-Downs All Along
- Hire more attractive “video ho's.” Granted, this song was recorded in 1991, a period when the video ho wasn't the lucrative path to fame, fortune and Herpes that it is today. However, it's practically impossible to meet comely women when they see your music video and see you dancing around with a bunch of girls that look more Shawn Wayans than Kim.
- Whenever the topic of KRS-One is broached pretend that you have never heard of him and instead ask if KRS-One is one of the droids from Star Wars.
- Stop lying in the sand snuggling with your brother. Granted, unlike Weezy Fitzgerald Baby and Baby Fitzgerald Weezy, you two actually are related. However, a nice firm handshake and maybe even some daps will suffice. No need to turn your music video into a low-budget reenactment of the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 where Dylan cheats with Kelly on the beach to the sweet sounds of Sophie B. Hawkins' “Damn, I Wish I Was Your Lover.”
KRS-One: A Teacher of Hubris, Hurling, and Apparently, Hip-Hop
picture via Unkut
- There is one man on earth who call pull off mini-sunglasses worn on the bridge of your nose. His name is E-40. Unless you are willing to kick-start an entire genre of music and slang based on an adoption of the suffix, “izzle,” it is wise to avoid wearing them at all times, lest you look like a cross between Mr. Peanut and Teddy Roosevelt.
- Stop begging for Christina Applegate to put you on. Not only do you sound desperate, she's wildly out of your league. This is Kelly Bundy we're talking about. Sure, she might have lax sexual standards but she always seemed more of the “rocker type” chick. Set your sights lower. Maybe Peggy Bundy. Hell, you already have a way in. Everyone was always assumed that Grandmaster B was a PM Dawn fan.