Please answer these questions honestly:

1. When the Trader Joe's cashier asks how you'd like your groceries bagged, do you whisper “plastic” even when you know everyone within earshot will turn around in stupefied horror to see the greedy bastard who asked? YES NO

2. Do you have a secret stash of plastic bags for exceptionally smelly trash? YES NO

3. When you walk Fido, do you dare to scoop the efforts of his daily constitutional into plastic because a paper bag will leak? YES NO

If you answered “yes” to any of the above, you are not only a politically incorrect pig, you are degrading the environment and should be punished. But wait! You can be redeemed. Go immediately to the next screening of Bag It, an award-winning documentary on everything you wanted to know about plastic bags but were afraid to ask. For instance, the average American uses about 500 plastic bags each year, for about 12 minutes each. This has led to an accumulation of plastic debris in the Pacific Ocean more than twice the size of Texas. The film follows one man's search to discover the far-reaching effects of our dependence on plastic bags. Once you see what your “habit” has contributed to, you'll surely be on your way to a cure.

Thu., April 21, 6:30 p.m., 2011

LA Weekly