As if New York isn't pleasant enough, with it's subway rats, bed bugs and generally shiny, happy people, a couple of hotels there have taken it upon themselves to equip their maids with panic buttons.

You know, to prevent the likes of former International Monetary Fund honcho Dominique Strauss-Kahn from getting his (alleged) rape on.

We can't be too judgmental, though. One of our own, Charlie Sheen, probably did his part to inspire the warning system too, since he went apeshit in a hotel room there late last year (though we're not sure a panic button would have helped, unless it could have summoned the nearest coke dealer).

Anyway, these here buttons are happening at the Sofitel, site of Strauss-Kahn's infamous alleged attack, and at Pierre hotel, according to the Wall Street Journal.

(We love the use of “room attendant” in place of “maid” in the Journal's piece. Can't anyone be what they are in this country anymore? By the way, this author is a vice executive wordsmith).

Anyway, our editor suggested that the buttons be installed in the gluteal area for maximum godspeed.

We would also submit that the devices should have three levels of emergency — ass-grab, nipple twist, and Kobe Bryant — so first responders can adjust their urgency accordingly.

And they should make the sound of tourists skipping their tabs and clearing out the mini-bars, so the front desk is always on high-alert.


LA Weekly