The Massachusetts-born comic has loads of great quotes, like this one: “If I don’t eat, I don’t have enough energy to suck in my stomach.” He’s at the Ice House this weekend.

They say comedy comes from pain — is that the case with you?

Yes, mostly others’ pain. I like to tap into the collective struggle that we all feel. Then I like to point it out and somehow make it funny . . . I hope. And if I don’t, then I feel pain. So my comedy doesn’t come from pain but it does sometimes cause it.

Who do people say you look like?

Scarlett Johansson.

What would you like to say to L.A. drivers?

Stop texting and driving. The only thing you should be doing while driving is listening to my CD. Or texting someone that you are listening to my CD.

What’s the next trend for standup comedy?

I see the ventriloquist making a comeback. I’m already thinking of taking a sock puppet on the road with me.

If you had your own sitcom of your life, what would it be called and what would it be about?

Well, the state of sitcoms is in a dire mess. We have hit rock bottom now with Cavemen — a sitcom based on a Geico insurance commercial. I am thinking of doing a sitcom about a roll of paper towels, based on Bounty, and calling it The Quicker Picker Upper. I would play the wacky neighbor.

I couldn’t even make it through 30 seconds of those cavemen commercials. What makes the network think we would want to watch it for 30 minutes? You know who must be so upset is that Geico gecko. He got screwed. Now that’s a show I would watch! Maybe he could be on my show about the roll of paper towel, and he lives inside the cardboard tube — that’s funny. Somebody call NBC.

You are friends with Jerry Seinfeld — tell us some dirt on him.

I opened for him a few times, and if I didn’t do a good job he would hit me. Right in the jaw. I sometimes hit my openers too . . . when they don’t do well. I might hit Mark Eddie this weekend.

Wikipedia says you pride yourself on never having had a 9-to-5 job. How would you react if you suddenly had to punch a time clock?

The only thing about working in an office is stealing all the office supplies. I had to buy a thing of pens the other day. Nobody buys pens. Even the guy at Staples was like, “Don’t you have a job?”

Anything else you’d like to tell L.A. Weekly readers?

Yeah, this Ice House only seats like 150 people, and if I can’t sell out these shows I will be very ashamed of myself.

Orny Adams, with Mark Eddie at the Ice House, 24 Mentor Ave., Pasadena; Fri., Oct. 12, 8:30 & 10:30 p.m.; Sat., Oct. 13, 8 & 10 p.m.; $16.50. (626) 577-9930 or

—Libby Molyneaux

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