Morning, kids! Here's what not to do when Customs and Border Protection asks to see your passport at LAX.

Early on Tuesday, an L.A. County man who had been traveling abroad for almost a year — but who was returning to California for rehab — tried to take down two CBP officers when they asked for identification, FBI officials tell the Daily Breeze.

The officers reportedly spotted 46-year-old Hiram Sanchez

… stumbling through the Customs inspection area around 8:20 a.m., “laughing and talking to himself” like a drunktard wishing for detainment.

So naturally, two Customs officers asked for his passport, and — when he refused to show it — tried to haul him off to secondary inspection.

But Sanchez wasn't going down without a fight, reports the Breeze:

During the struggle, Sanchez reportedly told the officers “I'll take you out,” and that he could “take them on,” according to the affidavit.

Sanchez later admitted to investigators that he had four shots of alcohol during the flight and did not remember the altercation, [FBI Special Agent David Gates] said. He had spent the past 10 months in Nepal and India, but was returning to California to undergo treatment for alcoholism.

Sanchez told authorities that the drinks were his “last hurrah,” Gates said.

If this slapstick scene wasn't quite Three Stooges enough for you yet, you'll be happy to know that the two CBP officers who Sachez tried to “take on” were named Michael Bird and Michael Beard. (The former came away with a one-inch cut on his hand, and the latter a minor knee injury, according to the Breeze.)

So Sanchez was arrested for assault before he could even make it through the first day of rehab. A good one for the grandkids though, right?

The only mystery remaining is how on Earth this guy, reportedly a former handyman in southern L.A. County, managed to down four shots on his flight from Dubai. Note to self: Emirates airlines, all the way.

[@simone_electra / swilson@laweekly.com / @LAWeeklyNews]

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