So you're headed downtown, even though Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa and police Chief Charlie Beck told you not to come to the Staples Center area unless you have tickets to tonight's game? You're brave. As longtime observers of the Los Angeles Police Department, we can testify that if stupidity breaks out following the Lakers-Celtics match, somebody's getting his ass kicked (usually it's the guy aping atop a black-and-white yelling “Lay-kurrrrrrrrrrsss!).” It's an assurance meant, in part, to dissuade the tards out there from going apeshit around an asphalt bonfire, but somehow it rarely does. So, if you insist, here's your survival guide:

-Bring your buddha sack. You'll need to mellow out before the aggressions begin.

-Don't forget your lighter. It'll come in handy for buddha, plastic handcuffs (keep them as a souvenir) and other things that might need to be smoked out (the mayor's sense of ethics?).

“Do I Look Illegal” and D.A.R.E. t-shirts always keep the cops off your back. Always.

-Have portable hydration on-hand. We recommend Voss water from Norway, which has a naturally pure finish that pairs well with the sharp, smoky aroma of grilled news van.

-Buy rugged protection for your iPhone. We understand that some cops like to stomp on them.

-If you're really up for adventure, wear an all-green outfit and audibly repeat that you always thought Ben Affleck was a much better actor than Matt Damon. (Or dress like a Minuteman and yell, “Mexico sucks!”).

-Yellow and gold foam finger to jab into patrolman's chest while chanting, “We're number one!”

-Wear knee pads. You'll need some protection when officers knock you on your ass and you pray for mercy.

-Wear one of those reflective vests so police know where to aim.

-Memorize a phone number. You get one call in jail.

LA Weekly