I hate July. It’s hot and there’s less TV. Nevertheless, I sweated through my bra and wrote this guide to what’s worth watching.

Snowfall (FX), July 5. Justified’s Dave Andron teams up with director John Singleton for a drama about the start of the crack cocaine epidemic in LA. Andron describes it as “The Wonder Years — with coke” and I’m sure it’ll be fine. I’m trying to muster up some excitement for this, but I’m having a hard time. There’s little doubt that the acting, writing and direction will be quality, and there might even be some biting, brave social commentary, but I’ve kinda reached my threshold on Serious Shows About Troubled Men. But maybe you’re still down to clown with Walter White, and if so, this show might be your new best friend.

Candy Crush (CBS), July 9. It’s a game show based on the addictive phone game, and I’m already stressed out. If I become fixated on the game show version, too, I’m a total lost cause. I’ve spent [ungodly amount of money redacted because my future children might read this and be humiliated] and I don’t need another outlet to fuel my obsession. I’m afraid if it’s good I’ll destroy my life savings on candy I can’t even eat. (Don’t look at me, I’m disgusting.)

"Name's Will. Will Shakespeare." (He's played by Laurie Davidson.); Credit: Alex Bailey/TNT

“Name's Will. Will Shakespeare.” (He's played by Laurie Davidson.); Credit: Alex Bailey/TNT

Will (TNT), July 10
A TV show about Shakespeare with rap music in the trailer. GET IT. It’s probably gonna be ye olde wiggedy wiggedy wack — but at least the actors are hot? Even if their modern haircuts and facial hair are NOT appropriate. That really bothers me! Anyway, this is definitely something Michelle Pfeiffer would’ve used to get through to her students in Dangerous Minds. She’d pop an episode in the VHS player, put on a backwards cap, and then high-five all the kids as she moonwalked outta the room.

The Bold Type (FreeForm), July 11
Full disclosure: I regularly freelance with Cosmo, because I’m sexy, sexual and sensual (the three s’s), but this does not affect my opinion on anything. You should know by now, I live to serve only one God, and that God is Chris Elliott in Get a Life. What Grey’s Anatomy did for doctors, and Ally McBeal did for lawyers is what this scripted show aimed at young women, about Cosmopolitan’s former editor-in-chief Joanna Coles (Melora Hardin, perfect casting) and her stable of attractive young editors, is trying to do for magazines. Even though it’s impossible to live up to the standards of Ugly Betty, the finest TV show ever made about magazine life (or any other type of life), I will most likely watch the shit out of this. Also, I am incensed that I have not been invited to write on it, as it’s clearly my calling. I’m young, I’m hot, and I’m ready to run Mode!!! (One minor note re: the trailer: I’m sorry, but Beyoncé would not be calling Joanna Coles. Sorry, girl, this is just not factual, and I cannot let it stand. IT IS BEYONCÉ. Put in Kate Hudson or a Lesser Kardashian if you want to make it believable!)

I’m Sorry (truTV), July 12
Comedian Andrea Savage’s show based loosely on her own ~wacky tabacky~ life looks OK! There’s a vagina joke in the trailer that goes on about 10 minutes too long, but whatever, I almost always have a vagina joke that goes on 10 minutes too long in everything I write. Sex sells!

Friends From College (Netflix), July 14
This Netflix comedy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall/Neighbors’ Nicholas Stoller and his wife, Francesca Delbanco, is about a bunch of friends from college who are now super old (40s) but still friends. The trailer has the very particular stank of Judd Apatow–lite, meaning it’s pretty funny and filled with a million dudes who get all the good jokes.

The men of Loaded; Credit: Colin Hutton/AMC

The men of Loaded; Credit: Colin Hutton/AMC

Loaded (AMC), July 17
It’s the British take on Silicon Valley with a worse name and shittier music. I do love that Peep Show’s Jon Brown is involved because that’s one of the greatest shows of all time, but it’s a bummer to see Silicon Valley: Take Two STILL not have a woman in the main cast. You had ONE job, Loaded. I’m about to take a load-ed off my TV schedule and delete this shiz.

Insecure (HBO), July 23
Thank God Issa Rae is back to save us from ourselves with her hilariously observant show about navigating the world as an awkward black woman. Her relationship with BFF Molly last season was one of the most genuine depictions of adult women friendship that I’ve ever seen on TV and it was so beautiful and real that I had to rewind certain parts to be like, “OMG YES.” It’s like Wonder Woman — I didn’t know it’s what I’ve been missing. Cancel everything on television and just replace it all with a hundred more shows just like this.

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