It’s summer! Time to stay inside and watch TV! Duh!

I’m Dying Up Here (Showtime), June 4
Peak TV giveth, and Peak TV taketh away. And sometimes Peak TV confuses the shit outta ye. Case in point: this new drama about LA’s stand-up comedy scene in the 70s. I mean, OK. Sure. The cast is a good mix of weirdoes — Melissa Leo, Ari Graynor, Jake Lacy, Clark Duke, RJ Cyler, and Sebastian Stan (That’s MISTER Winter Soldier to you!), so there’s that. It might be great, or it might suck, or you might never find out because you can’t afford yet another gd cable channel!

Orange Is the New Black (Netflix), June 9
Ugh, I just remembered that Poussey Washington died last season, and now I’m sad. Hopefully the ladies of Litchfield will cheer me up with some good old-fashioned prison rioting. That is one of the saddest sentences I’ve ever typed, but it encapsulates the series perfectly. It’s laughing through the pain of our fucked up, racist, disgusting prison system. What a hoot! But then somehow it is on this show, at least sometimes. Anyway.

Melanie Scrofono; Credit: Michelle Faye/Syfy/Wynonna Earp Productions

Melanie Scrofono; Credit: Michelle Faye/Syfy/Wynonna Earp Productions

Wynonna Earp (Syfy), June 9
Wyatt Earp's great-great-granddaughter is back to mess fools up as only she can. It’s in her blood! And she has a flaming six shooter! Since the (literally) kick-ass female lead is battling demons and other supernatural ~entities~, this show could fill the Buffy-sized hole in your heart pretty easily. No, it’s not exactly the same, but you guys, even Buffy wasn’t perfect. *Ducks*

Claws (TNT), June 11
Niecy Nash stars in this dramedy about a Florida nail salon, and MY BODY IS READY. I would listen to Niecy Nash read a Trump Presidential Order, that is how much I love her. (But I know she would never do that, because that’s how much she loves all of us.)

Queen Sugar (OWN), June 20
The Bordelons of Louisiana are back, sans their patriarch, and I’m so ready for this, especially because the second season premiere perfectly syncs up with my PMS, so it’s guaranteed I’ll be crying along with the rest of the family. Also, Shots Fired's Yohance Myles looks like he’s gonna be Rutina Wesley’s Nora’s love interest, and the entire nation has already started fanning their privates.

GLOW (Netflix), June 23
This Jenji Kohan-produced, Alison Brie-starring show about the origin of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling is looking RIGHT. There’s gonna be spandex, scrunchies, and sick 80s music, and I’m ready to relive the decade I was too young to appreciate then. Bring on the cocaine robot, which is an actual thing in the show!

Younger (TV Land), June 23
Oh this is gonna be good! In the last episode of the second season, old-ass Sutton Foster’s Liza (she’s 41, but this is TV!) told Kelsey, the clueless millennial played by Hilary Duff, the truth about her “advanced” age. Since Liza has been Liza-ing-a-lot about her trips around the sun to Kelsey, and they’re now not just coworkers, but good friends and temporary roommates, it’ll be interesting to see how this pans out. Hopefully Kelsey will be all, “I totally understand because we live in a patriarchal society that values women youth, thinness, and beauty above all else, and so your actions not only make sense, but are actually kind-of feminist, if you think about it.” And then they’ll both go do some anti-capitalist graffiti on Trump Tower and be sent to Litchfield. Crossover episode!

Playing House (USA), June 23

The long-anticipated (by me, but SHOULD be by everybody!) third season return of this perfect show about two bad bitches trying to make it in the world. They’re the new Laverne and Shirley, and we don’t deserve them. If there were any justice in this world, this show would be just as buzzed about as, say, Silicon Valley because 1. It also stars the dreamiest nerd, Zach Woods, and 2. It’s funnier! I said it! I meant it! I stole your mama’s credit! Whatever, this show is great.

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