[Editor's note: Why This Song Sucks determines why particular tracks blow using science. It appears on West Coast Sound every Wednesday.]
Song: Ginuwine's “Pony”
History: “Pony” came out in 1996. It was the first single Ginuwine released. It may have revolutionized the way guys behave around women. Also, a lot of people (probably) had sex to it. I didn't. In 10th grade I stopped a makeout session to turn it on, and shortly afterwards the girl got up and left. Maybe it was because Ginuwine started calling his penis a pony, or maybe it was because I came back with my shirt off. Who knows? Girls are a mystery.
Atmospherics: Burp-y steps; tssh-tssh-tsshs; soft whining whirls.
Scientific Analysis: The song is straighforward enough: “You're horny,” Ginuwine declares, “Let's do it,” he continues. “Ride it, my pony*.” Also, there's a certain amount of respect that should be paid for his work in race relations. I mean, watch the video. He walks into a White People bar, starts body rolling and floating around the dance floor and then everyone is equal. He's basically Martin Luther King, Jr., except with better abs.
*Were someone to chart the devolution of seduction on a timeline, the “You're horny, let's do it. Ride it, my pony” phrase might represent the exact midpoint between the top and the bottom. It should just never be okay to tell someone to get on your penis. I'm saying, it's only gotten worse since this. It'll likely trend that way until we're all just grunting at each other, right?
At any rate, viscerally, this song is beyond effective, yes. Ginuwine is an R&B sex god. Who can deny that? Scientifically though? Well, there's a reason he's called Ginuwine and not Dr. Elgin Lumpkin**, astrophysicist.
**Elgin Lumpkin is his real name. It is, without question, the least sexiest name of all-time. When I was younger, my Uncle Rick used to think it hyper-hilarious to call me Rumple Foreskin in front of anyone that ever wandered over to my house. Elgin Lumpkin is worse.
A look at a handful of the bizarro lyrics:
“Someone who knows how to ride without even falling off.”
Um, what? Does that happen a lot? Are women just falling off of men during intercourse? Should we be more worried about this? Will this effect our population's ability to procreate? Is this an epidemic? Or, rather, is this a penisdemic?
“Send chills up and down your spine, juices flowin' down your thighs.”
Is the reason for the penisdemic that it's just too slippery up there?
“If we're gonna get nasty, baby; first we'll show and tell, 'til I reach your pony tail.”
I think that the phrase “pony tail” here might just be a different way to say “pubic hair.” I don't know. But if that's the case, then dude. You know what no girl has ever said? ANYTHING ABOUT PUBIC HAIR. I'm saying, my wife made me watch every episode of Sex and the City and I don't remember any one where Samantha was like, “Last night, ooooh, girls. Let me tell you. He was saying the sexiest things. At one point, he think he was saying that my genitals resembled a pony or something. So hot.”
“Lurk all over your body.”
Lurk though? Are you a cat burglar now? What the fuck is going on here?
“You'll be on my jockey team.”
Either this is the honor Ginuwine designates to any woman that lets him enter her, or we've all gotten this wrong and he's really just an equine enthusiast. I don't know. Either you're a girl that had sex with a guy that thinks it's okay to wear a jacket with no shirt on underneath or you're a jockey, and fuck both those shits.
(I) Ginuwine might've been highly effective during the Civil Rights era.
(II) More time should be devoted to researching the penisdemic.
(III) I think we were all glad that Carrie ended up with Mr. Big, even though Aiden was, like, 1,000 times nicer.