Now you too can learn to talk like a transvestite shoe-whore from Tarzana – and it's all thanks to an educational YouTube movie currently doing the rounds.

Entitled 'Shoes', this three-minute gem rocked my shallow world with its tale of Kelly, a JT Leroy-a-like with bigger tits, who goes stiletto shopping with her homegirls after being dissed by her parents on her birthday.

Here's what I learned –  

 1. It's all about vowel substitution – eg: “bitch” becomes “betch”. And “shoes” become “shuz”.

2. When a pair of shuz costs $300 fucking dollars – you fucking get 'em.

3. Shopping for shuz should always be accompanied by poolside raves attended by a men in shiny purple jumpsuits and robots.

4. And when the cunty sales assitant tells you that “this style runs small, I don't think they're gonna fit your feet” you spew the wrath of a thousand Jehovahs, and threaten her with a Burning Man Fire Hoop Dancer. That'll teach the betch.

“Shoes” has been around since August, when it was posted online by a guy called Liam Sullivan, aka Kelly. Kelly had been performing her two songs – Shoes and Let Me Borrow That Top – at O'Brien's in Santa Monica, and ended up creating the music video for Shoes apparently due to “overwhelming demand”. Thats what Kelly's publicist said. That's right, Kelly has a publicist – Shoes has gone viral on YouTube and MySpace and now Kelly has turned her cross-dressing and shoe fetishes into a viable career path, with an 11-song CD and Kelly ringtones and wallpapers being launched this fall.

Way to shop, betch.

Posted by Caroline Ryder

Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.