One by one, all the weak states are banishing Four Lokos — those scary-tall $2-odd cans disguised in camo; part energy drink, part alcohol — from their every last convenience aisle.
The latest to cave is New York.
For all the hoopla we hear about 24-hour NYC partytime, we at least expected human barricades around the 7-Elevens of the city before State Senator Chuck Schumer was allowed to blow the whistle on the biggest party since that bedbug blowout down at Carnegie Hall. At the very least, someone should have Loko-boarded the fool.
Oh, well — more for us.
New York can now take a backseat in the sober section with Washington, Michigan, Oklahoma and Massachusetts (ouch), dejectedly mixing vodka and Red Bull while the rest of us guzzle the nectar of crackheads, pre-mixed for that unforgettable blackout/heart-attack buzz.
The FDA has been trying to ban Four Loko and its lesser knockoffs since this time last year, but hasn't really been able to prove there's anything illegal about combining pukeberry energy drink with alcohol. Now, in a blatant church-state conflict — because Four Loko is unmistakably the urine-stuffs of Christ himself (amen) — state legislators feel they must intervene. Something about college kids nearly drinking themselves to death, hazing each other senseless, etc. etc.
For all us states still in the cool, things have only gotten easier: Try the foolproof Loko mobile app, get stupid to custom Loko-hop and make sure to share your aftermath with brain-dead brethren everywhere.
Damn. Now we're all thirsty. Good thing it's Loko Monday!