[Editor's Note: Shea Serrano sometimes writes about Why This Song Sucks, and sometimes about his hilarious and poignant life and times. Better put your shoes on because your socks are about to be blown off.]
Saturday was to have been maybe the greatest day that's ever been because Juicy J was in town for a concert. But it became the worst of the very worst days: Poseidon slapped his big watery dong across Houston, flooding streets and causing havoc.
There was rain and hail and rain and lightning and rain and thunder and rain and rainRainRAIN. It came all at once and it stayed for hours. The area where I live, a “flood risk” location, became an island. There was simply no way out. I felt like Ice-T in that movie where Rutger Hauer and his rich friends hunt him (or any other movie where someone is stuck on an island, I suppose).
So, rather than getting to spend the evening shouting curse words and twerking at a rap concert, I shouted curse words and twerked in my living room, a decidedly less enjoyable experience. It went like this:
4:24: In seven hours, at 11:15 pm, Juicy J will be onstage and I don't think I could be happier about it. I am at Defcon Twerk Level Red about it right now. I'm excited to see all the ratchet princesses try to find ratchet princes.
4:24:04: BTW, Defcon Twerk Level Red is the highest level of excitement, obvs.
4:24:06: BTW BTW, Earth would be much better if people only ever expressed how they were feeling through twerk. Like, example: At this very moment, little Nate Robinson, Chicago's furious backup point guard, is giving the Brooklyn Nets the business in Game 4 of their playoff matchup. Imagine how much better it'd be if every time he scored, everyone in the arena just started twerking? That shit would be so live.
Or, better still, imagine if you're, like, at your mother's funeral, and you're clearly heartbroken and devastated and you walk up there just in shambles and deliver the most beautiful, most earth shattering eulogy that's ever been, and then when you're done you just step to the side of the podium and start doing the slowest, saddest twerk of all??? AND THEN EVERYONE ELSE THERE IS SO MOVED THAT THEY ALL GET UP AND START DOING A SLOW, SAD TWERK TOO?!?!?
Note: Wife, if you're reading this, know that I at least expect you to slow, sad twerk at my funeral. Thank you.
4:42: Okay, but for real, all of a sudden it's raining hella hard outside. The game is in its second overtime. Nate Robinson has scored a million points in the last two minutes and all of a sudden this is the basketball game of the year. I swear to God if my power goes out right now I will never forgive you, God.
4:49: Hail? HAIL??? I SWEAR TO GOD IF MY POWER GOES OUT RIGHT NOW I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, GOD. DO YOU HEAR ME? N-E-V-E-R.
4:50: Me, every time there's a big thunder:
I'm 31 years old, but really I'm 6.
4:52: The power's out and it's hailing outside and Nate Robinson is the new Michael Jordan is this the end of the world the bible said it was going to be like this sorry god sorry sorry sorry fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
5:03: Storm's getting worse.
5:04: Oh, BTW, when it started hailing I ran outside and jumped in my car and fast and the furioused it into the garage. About two minutes later the power went out, so now it's stuck in there. What's more, the gates that surround my housing complex are without power too, so we're just stuck the fuck in here forever, I suppose.
5:05: OH NO. I JUST REALIZED WE HAVE ICE CREAM IN THE FREEZER. I SHOULD PROBABLY EAT ALL OF IT SO IT DOESN'T GO BAD. WE HAVE MEAT IN THERE TOO. SHOULD I ALSO EAT THAT? WHAT'S THE PROTOCOL HERE? BEAR GRYLLS DIDN'T COVER THIS ON MAN VS. WILD SO I DON'T KNOW. I'M GOING TO TRY TO START A FIRE IN MY LIVING ROOM THOUGH SO I CAN STAY WARM.
5:30: Flood watch just got extended through 7:45 p.m. Still no power. I'm going to try to go to sleep.
5:52: Is it okay to masturbate during a power outage if you're home alone? Asking for a friend.
5:52:04: Someone should definitely make a chart that shows when it's okay to masturbate and when it's okay to not masturbate. I feel like that'd help a lot of people. Like, I mean, there are times when you shouldn't (dropping your kids off at school; valentine's dinner with the wife; etc), but what about the times that are less clear? This is God's work, people. SOMEONE GET ON THIS.
6:03: Power's still out. If it's out for too much longer I'm just going to assume it's never coming back and will just start looting my neighbors.
6:03:04: BTW, if I do start looting, the first house I'm going to is the tiny Asian woman's that lives cattycorner to us. She weighs, like, MAYBE 90 pounds. I'd fuck her up easy breezy if she gives me any trouble. There's a guy who lives a couple houses down from us though, this bigBigBIG Black guy that looks like how they tried to make Michael Clarke Duncan look in The Green Mile — gonna go ahead and skip his house. He gave me a ride once, is why.
7:15: THE FLOOD WATCH JUST GOT EXTENDED THROUGH. I SWEAR TO GOD IF I MISS THIS JUICY J CONCERT BECAUSE OF GODDAMN WATER.
7:24: MY FUCKING POWER COMPANY IS ON TWITTER RIGHT NOW TELLING PEOPLE TO FOLLOW ITS INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT.
7:43: Oh snap. Power's back on. Thank the Lord. Also: How many guys do you think were mid-masturbate when the lights came back on? There are something like 6,000,000 people living in and around Houston. Half of those are guys, so let's cut that to 3,000,000. Even if we just go with a super conservative guess like .2%, that's still 6,000 dudebros. 6,000 DUDEBROS WITH THEIR DONGS OUT WHEN THE LIGHTS CUT BACK ON. Amazing. God's funny.
7:44: Okay, just went and turned the TV, the two computers, the radio and all of the lights in the house back on. I'm the only one here. Thank you, America.
7:55: I keep sending texts trying to convince different people to come pick me up. Nobody will answer me.
8:00: Flood watch extended through 9:45. Seriously, God, if you're there: Please. Just please don't do this to me.
8:23: Tried driving around to see what's what. Hella cars underwater, hella streets still shut down. Can I live, please?
8:25: Juicy J playlist on Spotify. This will have to do.
8:40: Wife, who left the house with Boy A, Boy B and Boy C about twenty minutes before the storm came, is stuck on the other side of the town. She says she's not going to be able to make it back tonight because her area is flooded too.
I was anticipating engaging in coitus tonight.
This can't get worse.
Save me, Juicy.
9:26: GTFOH. The power just went out again.
10:10: Still raining. Flood watch extended through 11:45. Juicy J goes on at 11:15. I'm not going to make it.
10:48: Text: “Where r you? Juicy about to be on stage. So much twerking. Swim here, fucker.”
11:08: It's over. It's over. Poseidon wins.