Of all that is in the name of being over-commercialized and tacky, Disney is prepping to open one of several Avatar lands at its Walt Disney World theme park in Florida. The first is expected to break ground in 2013 at its Animal Kingdom portion.
Here are five things that are bound to go wrong at Avatar land.
5. Na'vi Jake Sully is a magent for Disney princesses
Not only do park visitors want their photo op with the park's newest character, the 10' tall Na'vi Jake Sully, but Snow White, Belle and Cinderella want to get their bibbity-boppity-boop on with the new hunk in the Magic Kingdom. Prince Charming, knowing full well about the urban myth of tall men, becomes enraged with jealously when he finds Jasmine twirling her braids around Jake's lengthy curl. The Prince enlists Donald Duck — who's also pissed that the kids are riding Flying Dumbo with Sully — to slay the park's new BMOC.
4. The Animal Kingdom gets pissed at the Avatar creatures
Having already been threatened in their native African homeland by poachers, the rhinos and elephants of Animal Kingdom refuse to share their fields with the Avatar animals and decimate them in a bloody stampede.
3. Pandoran philosophies conflict with Disney World's ecosystem
Na'vi Disney characters take their environmentalism to extremes by defecating in all Disney World moats, arguing that what is natural, should only be returned to mother-Earth. Disney Park executives argue that such Na'vi practices are unsanitary by Earthling standards and that this will prompt the Health Department to close down the park. The Na'vi laugh off such threats: Just like their war with the RDA corporation, their people aren't the kind to be bossed around by Disney corporate protocol.
2. Avatar Land ride carts in the shape of wheelchairs.
Disney Imagineers drop the ball: In an effort to be true to the spirit of Avatar, they create theme park carts in the shape of Jake Sully's wheelchair, so that park visitors can relish the true experience of being a disabled person who morphs into an Amazonian Na'vi. Not only are the handicapped offended by this tasteless gesture, but it becomes impossible for actual physically incapacitated park visitors to fit their wheel chairs into the ride's own “wheelchair.”
1. Animatronic James Cameron
As a renowned techno nut, Cameron experiences Nirvana when he's fully realized as a Disney animatronic character, enabling the billion-dollar director to outlive himself. But Animatronic Cameron won't be one of those oldie robots from the Hall of the Presidents, but more in the vein of the Living Mickey Mouse character at D23 who engages in two-way dialogues. Visitors will have to contend with Animatronic Cameron's cocky one-liners like “I'm king of the ride!” Calamity ensues when Animatronic Cameron learns that he's a Terminator cyborg who, after months of stifling his jealousy over John Lasseter as grand pooba Imagineer, breaks from the chains of Avatar Land and attempts to assassinate the Pixar wizard. Or goes back and time and kills Disney himself, preventing him from creating his theme park in the first place, so that in 2013, Avatar Land can simply become part of CameronLand, which is already the world's biggest tourist attraction.