Governor Gidget appeared on screen melting my heart and conquering my soul. That was after The Mayor of America softened me up.

Once I was blind. But now I can see.

I agree with every one of their points.

Black is white.

Up is Down.

Slavery is Freedom.

Arbeit Macht Frei.

We are winning in Iraq.

The WMD did exist.

Saddam was the leader of Al Qaeda.

Torture is legal.

Mitt Romney is a populist renegade.

Running Wasilla is more or less like running New York City.

Black men who become president of the Harvard Law Review are effete snobs.

Community organizers are sinister.

The media is run by Socialists.

Ivy League universities should be shuttered and replaced by trade schools.

Writing two best-selling memoirs is, um, a black mark.

Having a baby out of wedlock or aborting the fetus is strictly a personal, private issue even when the state wants to criminalize the latter.

America's perceived economic crisis is a mental aberration curable by sexual abstention.

Reading someone their legal rights is an act of wussiness.

Sarah has had more executive experience than Joe Biden and Barack Obama combined.

Hockey moms are more intelligent than hockey pucks.

Running the PTA is very much like the CIA.

Piloting a snowboard is the same as flying an F-16.

Garnering about 655 votes to win a Mayor's seat is major executive experience.

Palin would be the perfect President to stare down Vladimir Putin.

Mike Huckabee should be named head of National Institute for Science Education.

No Alaska Governor is a member of the Permanent Political Establishment.

Sarah is more or less like Harry — Truman.

Traveling outside the country once by age 43 makes you fit to run the most powerful military in the history of the world.

Capacity to read a pre-canned generic speech written by spinmeisters is a major qualification for national office.

The Republicans are a shoo-in to win in November.

The sun sets in the east (except in Alaska which dwells in darkness much of the year).

P.S. I will leave it to others to offer a “serious” analysis of Sarah Palin's remarks, I refuse to participate in that sort of farce.

Read more from Marc Cooper on Palin and other election matters at

Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.