Dear Burger King USA:
It has come to my attention that your contemporaries in Japan are about to launch something called a Black Ninja Burger. This burger will sport a black bun (made with bamboo charcoal), a Whopper patty, hashbrowns, and a huge strip of bacon, which apparently is actually meant to look like a tongue hanging out of the burger. Because, ninjas have their tongues hanging out? Or something? It matters not. What matters is, I want one. Can I have one? Please?
Because, look. There is genuinely no reason on earth for me to visit your establishment, ever. And it appears many other people feel the same way. Your sales went in the toilet this year. And then, later, your profits rose, but only because you fired a bunch of people — your revenue dropped 48%!!! Clearly, you need a better way to get customers in the door. You need Black Ninja Burger.
I mean, Satisfries?? Really? And I guess the $1 french fry burger was a kind of lame attempt to tap into the stoner market. But in a world of ramen burgers and cronuts and Doritos Tacos Locos, you're going to have to do better. So just do it. Just give us a Black Ninja Burger.
Your hesitation to be that bold is understandable. You're probably right that customers in Dodge City, Kansas, would not buy or eat a burger with a black bun and a big tongue of bacon hanging out of it, at least not at first. But you know how this goes: Launch in a few markets, get a cult following going, create a media frenzy (I'm giving you a head start!!), and voila. Dodge City will be begging for ninja burgers. Take a chance!! Be bold!!
Because it appears to me that Japan is coming for you. Check out what the Black Ninja Burger press release from BK Japan had to say when put through Google Translate:
That as the center “Wappa ® (WHOPPER ®)” and to achieve store aggressively develop in the future, BKJ is, the food culture of home USA only. We will continue with the aim of instilling in Japan …
Appearance, taste, volume in the ” black NINJA ” a sufficient impact, not only customers in Japan. Which we believe will want you to meet the appetite of this time also to the customers abroad to come to Japan.
I have no real idea what this means, but it sounds vaguely like BKJ is looking for world domination.
So, in conclusion, Black Ninja Burger. Me wants. Please. Thank you.
See also: Best Lobster Roll: Hinoki and the Bird
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