We've been makin' cracks about the growing economic weight of our remaining Four Lokos for some time now — never realizing how right we were.
People don't just want 'em. People need 'em. Bad.
The same camo-cloaked obliterater whose very merit was once its incredible cheapness (two Georgies and some change) now has the FDA-sobered citizens of Los Angeles digging deep into their pockets for one last taste of that sweet, sweet poison. Don't believe us? Just check out the going rates on Craigslist:
Four Loko ONLY $9 EACH – $9 (Hollywood)
For only $9 each I've got Lemon Lime, Watermelon and Blue Raspberry all up for grabs. Cheapest price you'll find anywhere.
Four Loko Fruit Punch – 1 Case (12 Cans) for Sale – $70 (Beverly Hills)
12 cans of Four Loko fruit punch for sale. Other flavors available upon request. Please email me with offer. CASH ONLY
Four Loko $10/can – $10 (the westside)
I have quite a few Four Lokos of all different flavors for sale. Heres your chance to get the cheapest four loko in the world.
No watermelon, sorry.
Heartbroken about the watermelon yet prevailingly mystified by their boldness, we decided to test the waters.
Sadly, everyone we called could somehow detect the eager journo-snark behind our feigned Loko fiend, and got cold feet before a deal could be cut. Bummer. One guy, who sounded as if he'd just come off a noontime Loke, said his “$140 for a 12-pack” promise was in fact meant to imply that he would merely accept a material item worth $140 in exchange for the 12-pack.
He then warbled out a well-rehearsed: “Selling alchohol without a liquor license is illegal in this country. I would never do that.” Whatever you say, buddy.
In the same ass-covering vein, all Loko auctions on eBay offer this disclaimer: “Please understand I am not selling this to be consumed. This is a collectible and I strongly enforce you not to open these.”
Not open a perfectly good Loke? Blasphemy!
As a final test, we called a Ventura Craigslister looking for Loko instead of hawking it. His ad says simply: “Willing to pay lots.” [He then gives a phone number, but we'd feel really creepy printing it here, so just follow this link if you want it, ya creep]. Dude proceeded to offer us $8 per can — at which point, once again, the sting operation was blown by the nerdy bartering skills of yours truly.
All in all, though, we can surely conclude that the demand exists, and that suppliers are milking the crazies for all they're worth. As they should be. Also, if things are this out of control a full week before the Loko drought, we can't even begin to fantasize about the post-Dec. 13 apocalypse. Let the countdown begin!
Coming up on Day Six: Fool the world into thinking you've got Lokos sin limites.