There's plenty of sex advice out there for women. In fact, Cosmo, a bible for some women, has a column called “Sex Tips From Guys.” Unfortunately, as a man, I can tell you that this column isn't written by men.

They come from the editors of Cosmo and that's not going to get you anywhere as a woman. Consider this our public service. We're going to tell you what's really up with this unfortunate charade.

Tip No. 1

“I can't be the only guy who loves when a woman licks that soft patch of skin in front of my ears.” – Jamie, 23

The real deal: No, Jamie, you're not, but no real man is aware there's a soft patch in front of his ear. Moreso, no man would actually say this unless he's deeply tuned into his feminine side. Elbow deep.

Our take: Working the ears in when you're kissing is good, so long as they're comfortable with it. It's an oft-ignored part of the face, but don't overdo it. Feel free to go there, just be responsive to your partner's reaction and adapt accordingly.

Don't force it, don't give us a wet willy with your tongue, and definitely don't ask us where the soft part our ear is. We don't know.

Watch your hands, ladies.

Watch your hands, ladies.

Tip No. 2

“When I learn to kiss you, hold the back of my head gently in your hand. It's tender yet sexy.” – Donny, 34

The real deal: Hahahahahahahahahaha! This is perfect proof that women make this shit up.

Our take: If a woman ever holds my head when I'm kissing her, there's something wrong. I'm a man. I do the head-holding. Feel free to put your hand on my back or my neck, even forcefully to show me you're into it.

But if you hold my head, I think you think you're making out with a woman.

Tip No. 3

“Wet your lips and moan that you can't wait to taste me.” – Sam, 22

The real deal: OK, fine. You can do this. “Sam” is not 22, though. And he doesn't even know if you came or not.

Our take: Go ahead. Any form of dirty talk, for the most part, is not only acceptable but encouraged. Not enough women are open enough to say what they want. Tell us what turns you on. Unless you're with a meathead, it will be appreciated. We don't have vaginas, so spit it out.

Unless we don't care, we'll take care of it…or at least do our best. Also, never say something like the above “tip” unless you're prepared to deliver.

Just leave the scarf on the floor.

Just leave the scarf on the floor.

Tip No. 4

“Wear silk gloves or a cashmere scarf and rub them against sensitive regions like my treasure trail.” – Louis, 24

The real deal: Are you kidding me? First of all, when speaking to women we don't refer to that area as our “treasure trail.” Second of all, it's not all that sensitive. It feels just like the rest of our stomach. Third of all, how many guys know what cashmere feels like or ask for it specifically? I'll tell you – seven.

Our take: If you want to go this route, the sensitive areas are these: our balls, anything below that, and our nipples. It really just takes a little common sense – and we're all surprised the people who make this shit up don't have any.

Tip No. 5

“Reach into your panties, then touch my lips with your wetness.” – Troy, 28

The real deal: I mean, it's maybe plausible that some dude, somewhere, would ask for this.

Our take: If we really want to feel how wet your pussy is we're going to do one of two things:

1. We'll put our hand down there and find out for ourselves because, let's be honest, that's what we're waiting for. We want to feel our cock inside you and, frankly, not have to jam it in.

2. We'll just go down on you. We're men. If we want your wetness on our lips, we'll go get it. We're not gatherers. We hunt!

Nipples. Porn star Ashley Fires likes them. You should, too.

Nipples. Porn star Ashley Fires likes them. You should, too.

Tip No. 6

“News flash: Guys have nipples too, and they're a lot more sensitive than you think. Graze mine with your teeth while your hands tease my package.” – Rory, 21

The real deal: If Rory is really 21, he's happy just to get a blow job from a fat broad when he's drunk. He knows jack shit about his nipples.

Our take: Yes, the nipples are fair play. In fact, pay attention to them. They're sensitive just like yours. Surprise! Watch the teeth, though – that's a personal preference. Start off with kissing and sucking. If that's a go, then proceed to the teeth grazing. Just don't go straight to biting.

Tip No. 7

“Ride me while you still have a nightgown on, then lift up the edge so I can glimpse my shaft inside you – then hide it again.” – Nelson, 29

The real deal: Hell, no dude thinks this much when they're getting laid. They think about one of two things. 1. Fuck! I'm getting laid. 2. What can I do to please this broad so I get laid again?

Also, what the hell is a nightgown? That's what our grandmothers wore to bed.

Our take: Sometimes, especially after you've been dating for a bit, a guy will want to mix things up. Leave your lingerie on. Leave your heels on. Leave those stockings on. These are things you might actually hear.

They're good things. It doesn't mean we don't want to see you naked. It means we think you look sexy as hell in exactly what you're wearing, so keep wearing it and let's get off. And don't worry, you still look sexy as hell naked.

Yeah...don't do that.

Yeah…don't do that.

Tip No. 8

“Let me go deep during missionary by planting my feet on the bed and using the leverage to thrust toward me each time I push into you.” – Ivan, 33

The real deal: Would any woman really have sex with someone named Ivan, unless she was Russian?

Our take: Look, this can be very pleasurable for a guy. Most of the time, however, it isn't very pleasurable for a woman. Not to say that's the case for everyone, but you're probably doing your man a favor if you go for this because you're going to get pounded like the chick he paid $200 to and picked up on Santa Monica Boulevard.

There are only two plausible reasons why you'd ask for this, Ivan:

1. You have a small dick and need to feel large (fat fucking chance!).

2. Your woman can't get you off, so you need to feel like you're banging a whore. Either way, ladies, you probably need to take stock of your relationship with Ivan… and maybe there's some other great advice in Cosmo that can help you there.

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