Sorry Dr. Drew, but Charlie Sheen has discovered the secret to condensed rehabilitation. You might say it's not possible, but just listen to the actor talk:

“They said get your act together and I did. … Check it, it's like I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly,” he told DirecTV's Dan Patrick Show this week.

Following a 36-hour, reported coke-and-hooker bender in late January, Sheen says he has recovered. Here are the new steps to rapid sobriety:

1. – Admit you are powerless over porn stars.

2. – Believe that a paycheck greater than us can restore us to (temporary) sanity. (In this case, we're talking about Sheen's Two and a Half Men TV gig).

3. – Turn your life over to your agent.

4. – Make an inventory. Make sure no porn stars have stolen any more six-figure watches.

5. – Admit you spent too much on hookers.

6 . – Be ready to have the maid scrub the house.

7. – 12. – Blah, blah, blah. Remember, this is the condensed version.

Sheen wants to get back to work on Two and a Half Men. He even showed up on set. No one was there. (Maybe they think he needs more time).

You can tell Sheen is really ready after his hooker-thon. He told Patrick his advice for others is this:

“Stay away from the crack … Unless you can manage it socially.”

He really said that.

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