It's the last day of June, with two weeks left to go until the worst freeway closure of all time: Ten miles of the 405, the busiest roadway in the U.S., will shut down for 53 hours.

At this point, people are either freaking the F out or are so sick of hearing about it — Celebrities, Tweeting! Weddings, ruined! Drink specials, car-themed! — that they're ready to shut the thing down themselves, just to put the Prius pansies out of their anticipatory misery.

Transportation officials, for their part, did try to calm the hype yesterday afternoon with an official Carmageddon Q&A…

the entire transcript of which is now posted online. But for those of you who don't have three hours of every day to worry about traffic from the future, we've compiled an abridged version:

Q: Why is this happening to me?????

A: The 405 needs a carpool lane, and unless you want our bulldozers to flatten your Prius, you might want to get out the way.

Q: Will there be official-looking people everywhere I go, waving signs around and telling me how to proceed?

A: Yes. But that won't change the fact that you're screwed.

Q: I am a tourist. Am I also screwed?

A: Yes. Arrive hours — better yet, days — early, and spend your entire vacation worrying about how you'll get from one clogged attraction to the next.

Q: I live in Long Beach. Am I also screwed?

A: Stop whining. There are bigger problems in the world. Like living in Westwood.

Q: I am anticipating my first ride on a Los Angeles subway transit bus-train thingy. Will I be forced to pay the conductor my quarters? You see, I fear if there's cash on me, I may get mugged.

A: Shut up and go to our website.

Q: Why are you guys so incompetent?

A: It's harder than you think, OK? There's lots of documents and meetings and people talking simultaneously. You wouldn't understand.

Q: What's the last possible moment I can use the 405?

A: You sound like a junkie. Please get some help.

Q: How about the rest of the freeways?

A: In case we have been unclear, you are all screwed.

Q: What if I have a medical emergency?

A: Plan ahead.

Q: But —

A: Plan ahead.

Q: What if I crash my car?

A: We will be additionally backing up traffic with extra emergency vehicles, so no worries. But good luck causing more freeway pileup and getting out of there without an apocalyptic mob of commuting zombies skewering you with their pitchforks.

Q: When is rush hour, again?

A: Whenever you need to use the freeway. As usual.

Q: I planned my wedding for Carmageddon weekend. Am I also screwed?

A: LOL. Weren't you on the news? And, yes.

We're going to stop here, because this is getting super repetitive and pointless, so just remember: You will have a hell of a time getting anywhere, from late Friday to early Monday. Deal with it. And help us make fun of it: Tell us your #Carmageddon stories on Twitter all weekend long.


LA Weekly