If you'll pardon the foul language for just a moment, there's something important that needs to be said:
We f*cking did it.
Guys, WE DID IT. After years of monkeying around in space and sending James Cameron to the depths of the ocean to find his old goatee, we humans finally pulled back, took a good hard look in the refrigerator, and realized what was missing. We needed a gas station convenience box that prepares, heats and serves burritos, with optional sides, in less than three minutes. And now it's here.
The goddamn thing even plays a music video while you wait.
]You might have heard about Burritobox, the clandestine orange burrito-making machine that suddenly showed up inside of a Mobil gas station on Santa Monica Boulevard in West Hollywood. No fanfare, no lines around the block while tourists queued up, just a bright orange beast that hung out near the automatic sliding doors. And eventually, somebody pushed a button on the touchscreen to order one, and now here we are, living right smack dab in the middle of the future. And it feels goooood.
According to the shadowy organization that runs this innovative invention, known only as the Box Brands, these smallish burritos are more than just pit-stop mistakes made by desperate folks. Each of the five flavors – chorizo, egg and cheese; roasted potato, egg and cheese; uncured bacon, egg and cheese; chicken, beans and rice; and shredded beef and cheese – are hormone-free and contain no antibiotics. The eggs are cage-free, the chicken is free-range, and the price is $3.
The question now is: How do we harness this unstoppable tech? The burritos from Burritobox, served lukewarm and excessively chewy, are practically an afterthought. What matters now is where we go from here. What other widely available foodstuff can we put inside of mechanical voodoo boxes and leave at gas stations for others to find? And how much better can we make that item taste?
This is clearly the first step in what's undoubtedly a remarkable new wave of dining in Los Angeles and beyond. Forget using your hands to make things or your money to purchase raw ingredients that can become something delicious; we want hormone-free burritos, processed impossibly fast and served to us from a gas station. The next step is figuring out how to open the wrapper for us so we can slide the whole thing down our gullet in one bite. But it's nice to know we're on our way.
And, as if to prove the inevitable, the Box Brands has planned a second roll-out of its much-hyped orange convenience box, to be found further down Santa Monica Boulevard, in Century City. The location? You guessed it – a 76 gas station.