And here we were all worried about Obama. Turns out the real (debatably) political celebrity in danger of civilian attack is Bristol Palin, currently among the remaining three finalists at the “Dancing With The Stars” studio in Los Angeles.
“DWTS” addicts with nothing better to do have been pulling their hair out for weeks over how a blasphemously terrible dancer like Bristol could make it past the likes of “Hills” sweetheart Audrina Partridge and '90s pop star Brandy (come on, it's Brandy!). The most infuriating part must be that they don't really have anyone to blame, apart from the hundreds of thousands of voting Americans who can't get enough of mini-Palin waddling around the stage like a pregnant seabird.
(That is, unless you believe conspiracy theorists who suspect Mama Palin's tea-party cult has been rounding up Bristol votes to keep the family in the public eye for as long as possible.)
The ultimate death threat, even if it was only directed at a pixelated, two-dimensional version of Palin, was that of Wisconsin man Steven Cowan. The “DWTS” fan actually fired multiple gunshots at his TV set before turning the weapon on his wife, who — unlike pixel Palin — did manage to escape (and is likely relieved her bipolar husband faces up to 10 years behind bars). According to TMZ:
Local authorities claim Steven Cowan told officers that he felt Palin was not a good dancer and that she was only on the show because of her famous mother.
“DWTS” producers have not released the gritty details of the latest Pallas death threats (like that nickname? Now they're bound together for eternity!), but we hope they involve teabagging or Alaskan hick-hunting or something equally punny/topical. We say hope, of course, in the sense that we of course do not wish either dancer dead and in fact hope we get to keep making fun of Bristol for many decades to come.
Mark was allegedly told by show execs that he must stop Tweeting, as it was “inciting” the haters. His last two Tweets happen to be directed toward a certain JerseyGirl0223:
Have our super-sleuthing powers led us to the source of the threats? Eh. It's probably just one of the other 10 million Americans who fantasize about Palin and her cursed family dying in a freak Alaskan polar-bear attack. What?