Early this morning, just after midnight, a home-invasion robbery to make Steven Soderbergh proud went down near Burbank's Debell Golf Club, in a super lavish slice of suburbia:
Three dudes outfitted in ski masks — and gloves, and guns, and FBI badges, because they just that Hollywood — broke into a house in the 1000 block of Fairmount Road with two adults and a teenager inside. The ridiculously scripted things they came away with, according to City News Service:
One briefcase, containing $20,000 in cash.
- A gold purse “whose contents were not immediately disclosed.”
- Assorted jewelry.
One of the residents sustained a minor injury during the stick-up, but we're guessing that's the least of their problems. Because the question on everybody's mind right now is, inevitably:
What the hell was some smiley American-dream family out in the Burbank suburbs doing with $20,000 in cash? Inside a briefcase, no less! With gold purses and jewels lying around, to boot. What is this, the best season of “Weeds”?
Or, as City News puts it, police are “trying to determine how the suspects knew about the briefcase.” Right. We've contacted the Burbank Police Department for details on what has to be their favorite investigation since those unruly college kids shot a wooden arrow through some granny's bedroom window.
Then again, the Burbank police themselves have been under investigation by the FBI for some time now. Might they know more about this sketchy-ass briefcase than they're letting on?