With what appears to be the first legitimate penis size report since Kinsey's 1948 survey, one of the nation's largest condom and novelty stores has released the results (kinda) of a study (sorta) that shows where the biggest dicks in the country live.

And rather than surveying 2,500 men and giving them every opportunity and reason to exaggerate their dimensions (i.e. lie through their teeth) Condomania acquired the girthy details simply by selling a custom-fit condom.

In 2004, TheyFit condoms were released to the sex scene and caused men around the country to whip out their rulers (for real this time) in order to tailor-make a more comfortable condom. No room for measurement embellishment there.

This is a relief for us hard-working sociologists/nymphos across the U.S. who've been chronicling our escapades, working our hands/orifices to the bone(r) so that generations to come will know what the rest of us had to work with.

Funny enough, for all of L.A.'s cocky douchebags with penis envy, the city of angles (typo, leaving it) only ranked 17th out of the 20 largest in the country.

Two theories. Maybe three.

1.      L.A. dudes are less likely to bother buying custom-made condoms. (Why bother spending money on latex they're not gonna wear? Just keep the free bag of Durex from Planned Parenthood on the bedside table and hope girl-of-the-moment forgets to ask.)

2.      Just as tiny T-shirts make bis, tris and abs bulge, maybe smaller condoms turn average cocks into colossal cobras? Sounds reasonable AND safe.

While this might not be terribly surprising, what DID knock me off my seat a tad was the state with the biggest average cock size in the country.

Florida? Nope.

Texas? (Nope. Everything's bigger there except that.)

Maine? Almost.


Once all the maple whisky's gone, there's nothing much else to do but have lots of sex and order condoms in bulk. (No sales tax.)  

Image: Bill Longshaw.

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