I’ve never enjoyed the physiological logistics of the colon-hydrotherapy experience: the hard plastic tube holding strange space in my stretched, coconut-oil-lubed anus, the flood of water rushing in, up and around my insides, filling, filling, filling until I’m pregnant with fluids and I can’t hold it another second and then, whoosh! — the ensuing embarrassment of the grunts, gas, leakage and shame that arises as various forms of fecal matter flow out while an otherwise anonymous therapist looks on, judging my tendencies toward improper food combining, tsk-tsking as undigested bits of last week’s not-very-well-chewed Inaka bowl skitter through the tube. All that notwithstanding, I actually look forward to my bimonthly colonics with Stephanie Kimura at Clear Way to Health Within.

Yes, the treatment rooms are clean and cozy — decorated with magical kabbalistic healing mantras, positive affirmations, trippy Alex Grey posters and rainbow color-coded reflexology charts. And the standard-issue vertically pastel-striped shorts that await you on the table, the ones with the convenient Velcro opening in the rear for comfort and easy access, are cute enough — but it’s really all about Stephanie, a grounded combination of nurturing, loving earth mother and powerful, fiery badass, brimming with wisdom that is garnished with a magical smile, healing hands and dazzling décolleté.

Lymphatic drainage massage is the key to Steph’s colonic prowess. By applying pressure to points along the bottoms of the feet, the palms of the hands, the shoulders, calves — wherever it’s needed — Steph makes the process of clearing out years and lifetimes of calcified colonic crust cooped up in those crooked crevices of your internal septic system infinitely easier. While irrigating my poop shoot, Steph prefers to flip me on my stomach, digging deep into my neck and shoulders while I let go, not only of weeks’ worth of greens and grains, but of emotions and issues and blocks and beliefs. Steph takes me through the process with presence and compassion, inviting me to give voice to the knots and the kinks, guiding me with insight and intuition, and her big, beautiful heart.

A colonic with Steph is a religious experience that goes far beyond the banalities of retention and release. Plus, when it’s all over, my skin looks amazing, and I’ve dropped a belt notch. It’s a facial, a month’s worth of therapy and a crash diet all in one fell swoop.

Oh, and if Steph’s booked, Talya’s fantastic.

12927 Venice Blvd., West L.A., (310) 391-2017.

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