THANKS AGAIN, BILL! AND THANKS to all of you for tuning in to “Bill's 30-Minute Weekend! You're listening to K-SOFT — Microsoft® Radio WAVs for Southern California and the World®! If you're just joining us today, or if you're a new listener, we just wrapped up another edition of “Bill's 30-Minute Weekend,” a feature here every Sunday from noon to 12:30! If you missed “Bill's 30-Minute Weekend,” just point your browser to for an instant update! And now, let's kick off another K-SOFT Sunday afternoon with a block of Windows 98 default system sounds! How should we do 'er this week, Stever — alphabetically?! Wait! Hold everything! Ladies and gentlemen, our producer, Steve “The Ghorm” Ghormley, is waving frantically from — hah-haaah! — from the booth! What is it, Steve? File size?! Okay!! Big Steve says “File size!” and so file size it is! Wait a minute, Steve! Steve?! Looks like three or four of 'em are pretty much the same size, Steve. Whaddya think — flip a coin?! You don't have a coin?! Hah-haaah!! Hey, Uncle Bill! Looks like The Ghorm could use another raise! Hah-haaah! All right! Ladies and gentlemen, I'm just gonna pick one randomly! Loading in at 99K, it's “Recycle.wav” (C:WINDOWS MEDIARecycle.wav) right here on K-SOFT:


QKCKruntch! (one sheet, letter size 20 lb.)


Man alive! Over already?! Hah-haaah! Steve's asleep! Tell you what! While I go make Steve a fresh hot nice cup of Starbucks (, let's move on to our next file, also taking up just 99K, “Ding.wav” (C:WINDOWSMEDIADing.wav) right here on K-SOFT:


DING! (correct answer on generic game show)


HOO-YAH! Like a velvet club upside the ol' noggerrooni! But I'll tell you what! About halfway into “Ding.wav” I fielded a request from Rhonda in Redondo Beach, California! Rhonda just came back from Century City, where she'd gone into the office — can you imagine? on a Sunday? — to work on her résumé, using one of our beautiful streamlined résumé templates (C:MSOfficeTemplatesOtherDocuments Resume Wizard.wiz) embellished with one of our lovely pieces of royalty-free clip-art (C: MSOfficeClipartWoodcut.wmf)! And Steve? You know what Rhonda wants? Bless her efficient little heart, all Rhonda wants is to lie back on her couch with her fresh nice hot cup of Starbucks ( and her mail-order catalog collection (,, and hear a nice long Microsoft Medley®! Why not? Here it comes, Rhonda! From your sea colon backslash windows backslash media backslash directory — hah-haaah! — it's “Notify.wav”, “Chord.wav”, “Chimes.wav”, “Tada.wav” and everyone's second favorite, at almost 400K, “Logoff.wav”!!! A special Sunday Afternoon Microsoft Medley® right here on K-SOFT:


Pied piper's piccolo sampled (WHERE) into G-major triad with (DO YOU) glissando down to faux brass section presenting (WANT) deserved bliss (TO GO TODAY?).


Yehhsssssss!! Welcome back to K-SOFT, Microsoft® Radio WAVs for the Pacific Northwest and Southern California and the World®! If you're just joining us, I'm Craig Fitzpatrick along with our producer, Steve “The Ghorm” Ghormley, just returning from a Sunday Afternoon Microsoft Medley® of Windows 98 default sounds for Rhonda in Redondo Beach, California! Thanks for calling, Rhonda! Well, I tell you what! Steve and I are getting ready to log off and turn it over to Denise, Greg and Chip! So everyone, have a wonderful Windows week, and keep 'er tuned right here to K-SOFT — Microsoft® Radio WAVs for Southern California and the World®! Now I leave y'all with America's favorite Windows 98 WAV, loading in just a few bytes shy of 700K, “The Microsoft Sound.wav” (C:WINDOWSMEDIA The Microsoft Sound.wav)!! Have a wintastic week everybody!


. . . aahhhhh . . . hovering Jesus arrives in glasses and a tie, gives everyone their Christmas bonuses and floats off through the broken window to heaven for a haircut and a cup of Starbuckssssmmmmm . . .



THANKS, CRAIG! YOU KNOW, WHEN we wimp-ass whiners whine about Windows, we're not just whining about Microsoft, the corporation! Heck, no! We're whining about Microsoft: One World Operating System (! Because it doesn't really matter which is the One that's allowed to corporatize and privatize 30 years of international public creation — the Internet, bay-buh! — but it does matter that there's only the One! Or even Two or Three! Just like the Three Dog Night song from 1969 ( sez, “two can be as bad as one”! Amen to that! That's right! And now here's Noam ( to carry you on over into the WBABCBSMSNBC News Hour! Hoooooo-YAHHH!

Advertising disclosure: We may receive compensation for some of the links in our stories. Thank you for supporting LA Weekly and our advertisers.