For the bulk of this decade, the eleven-and-a-half minute adventures of anthropomorphic meal-time treats Master Shake, Frylock and Meatwad and their tough-guy neighbor Carl on Aqua Teen Hunger Force have kept us in stitches. But, despite spending countless late nights watching and re-watching Aqua Teen episodes, we still feel like we don't know the characters all that well.
With Aqua Teen Hunger Force Christmas Special set to air Sunday December 13 and new CD Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas in stores, we asked three of the show's major characters how they like to spend the holiday season.
What's the nastiest holiday prank Shake's played on you?
Well, this ain't so much a prank as a Christmas alert for ya'll. Shake told me that this year, Dracula stole Santa's sleigh, and picked up the Wolfman and they was gonna both use it to visit all the children of the world and drink their blood while they was sleeping. I said, “not on my watch, you son of a bitch.” I posted up warnings on Craig's List and amazon.com and thankfully, I thwarted their plans. But Shake said they may attempt a strike in February, do something symbolic like turn Hannah Montana into a sleestack. But I'm fighting every day to protect you and yours this holiday season.
What's your favorite Christmas story? Why?
I just wrote this Christmas story for you, I hope you like it. It's called, “Glenn Beck's Christmas Sweater.” One Christmas morning, Glenn Beck opened his presents. He got a pair of camouflage pants. Boy, them pants was good. Then a voice said, “Look in them pockets.” I did. I mean, Glenn Beck did. One pocket was full of sliced ham, and the other, shelled peanuts. The end. I like this story because you don't know what's going to happen next.
If you were to shape-shift into one traditional holiday food this year, what would it be and why?
I would transform into the all-you-can-eat buffet at the Golden Corral, because then I could be all the foods. People would visit me over and over, say, “Hey Meatwad!”, and I would say, “Get away from me, I am not really the Golden Corral buffet!” But they wouldn't listen, and keep coming back until there was nothing left but the heat lamps and banana pudding. Then they would feel bad, and get me a wheelchair autographed by Macho Man Randy Savage.
What holiday traditions do you and your roommates have?
What we do is call up five or six grocery stores and ask for a birthday cake with my name on it, and never pick 'em up. At the end of the month we find them cakes in the dumpster behind the store for us to eat, and they says “Happy Birthday, Meatwad!” I feel dishonest, though, it ain't really my birthday. It's Santa's birthday.
Do you plan on doing anything nice for Carl this year? If so, what?
You know what is beautiful at Christmas time? Snow. You know what looks like snow? Instant mashed potatoes. So every year I mail Carl a box of Stove Top instant mashed potatoes. And this year I hope he thanks me for the gift and don't report me to the FBI, cause you know what also look like snow? Anthrax. And all this time I thought they was just a band.
What's your favorite holiday movie? Why?
Home Alone. I can relate with the protagonist, Kevin McCallister, for I, too, find myself home alone. And not just during the holidays. Summer months, too. I like to pretend that I'm that little boy and that my parents forgot about me. I set up the booby traps like the paint cans, and the blow torch and the searing hot door handles. And then I imagine visitors or relatives coming over to share in the spirit of the season with me, and they get royally messed up.
What did Meatwad have to do to convince you to sing on the Christmas album?
They give me a Fantastic Sam's coupon from the penny saver. Maybe you're thinking yeah, Carl don't got a lot of hair, what's he gonna to do with 2 bucks off a style-cut and blow-dry? Here's what you do. You scope the joint, and find the stylist with the biggest knockers and the shortest arms. Next thing you know, she's getting boobs all over you. Ask her to cut one hair at a time. Don't be afraid to make it last as long as possible, it's your money.
What's the best holiday football game you've ever seen? Why?
The Gaylord Hotels Music City Bowl is always my favorite, because I imagine the winner putting a trophy on his mantle that says GAYLORD. And I laugh. HARD. It's becomes more than just a game at that point. It becomes life.
What's the most annoying thing your neighbors have done on Christmas?
Somebody thought it was a good idea to pour 5 gallons of egg nog in my HVAC system, so the smell of yuletide joy could curdle through my home and make it Christmas the whole year round. That was the explanation I was given. And then the Fryman had the nerve to issue a noise complaint, from the swarm of fruit flies that are now breeding in my heat vents. So now I am celebrating the holidays under a tarp in the back while the city does a complete tear-out. Joy to the world my ass.
How much creative freedom were you given with your songs on Have Yourself a Meaty Little Christmas?
“I Sure Hope I Don't Have to Beat Your Ass This Christmas” is my baby. It came from deep within my heart, my soul. But I think it's a message that all people can relate to no matter their color, creed or religion. No one wants to get their ass beat, in front of friends, and family, over this joyous holiday season. But it takes a strong hand and a large heart to show someone with the mind of a child who's boss. How else are they supposed to fear you?
What are you getting your roommates and Carl for Christmas?
Everyone gets the same thing they get every year from me: A signed headshot of me and a box of rubbers. Once they prove to a chick that they know me, they're gonna need some protection. Speaking of which – off the record, I think condoms are for wimps. I let nature take it's course. If she gets pregnant, I've still got that condom money to get a bus ticket the hell out of there. You have to have priorities, and sex is where I'm at.
What are you hoping Meatwad and Frylock get you for Christmas?
I'm not fussy, and I don't like for people to spend a lot on me. But I admit, I would be thrilled if I woke up on Christmas morning and they were both gone forever. They can take all their stupid crap and load it in a wagon, and hit the Oregon trail. But still split the rent with me. And stop by every couple of weeks with baked goods. Maybe cut the grass. It is Christmas, after all.
Special thanks to Aqua Teen co-creator/writer/director/actor Dave Willis for the responses.