Thank God for André Leon Talley. After enduring E!’s super-geeky/freaky coverage of the Oscars’ red carpet Sunday night, we switched over to ABC, where the Vogue columnist was definitely a breath of fresh air, talking fashion and film in a fabulous way that only a flamboyant gay man can.
Our only criticism: It looks like Talley was actually with Jennifer Hudson when she and Oscar de la Renta came up with that hideous Parliament/Funkadelic gold bolero jacket. Leon, ya had to know that thing wasn’t chic — it was cheap.
Anyway, here are my picks for Best and Worst Dressed. I think the mainstream media actually kinda all agree this year, which probably means we’re all being brainwashed by fashion magazines. Oh well, until another Cher comes around…
Reese Witherspoon: Sexy mama!
Nicole Kidman: Like a big, gorgeous kitty cat.
Penelope Cruz: Princess and the P.
Helen Mirren: A royal babe.
Celine Dion: Made us green with envy.
Jennifer Lopez: Pretty. Pregnant-looking, but pretty.
Meryl Streep: The devil should have worn Gucci!
Beyoncé: Her mom’s taste has rubbed off . . . too much.
Jennifer Hudson: Gichee Gichee ya ya da da . . .
Kirsten Dunst: Boooring!
Anne Hathaway: Doilies are not sexy.
Best Worst Lines by E!’s Ryan Seacrest on the Red Carpet
“Is there a dirty side to Helen [Mirren]? I bet she’s naughty!”
—To Michael Sheen, who played Tony Blair in The Queen
“The most exclusive traffic jam in history!”
—Describing a limo shot
“Is there too much self-importance at this event?”
—To J. Lo and Marc Anthony
“What did you do today? Did you spa? Did you workout?”
—To Penelope Cruz
“It’s like hottie after hottie!”
—As Jessica Biel approaches
“Aren’t you dressing up as a woman soon? Tell me… I wanna know everything!”
—To John Travolta
More Oscar B&W
Reese Witherspoon in that deep-amethyst number, Isla Fisher in emerald green and Helen Mirren, who looked so good we said a toast to her boobs.
Gwyneth Paltrow, hands down. She looked very classic, like a ’40s-era Veronica Lake. Well done. And not one nasty comment about her breasts! Yeah!
J. Lo: She’s a little behind on the whole goddess thing, but the Marchesa gown was really beautiful. What was the miss? Her husband. He looked ill. What was up with all that blinking? And is he thinner? I worry he has manorexia, or maybe J. Lo drinks his blood on full moons.
Jessica Biel: She leveled the beauty field with this one — we should thank her. Pink and black? Hasn’t she heard the ’80s are dead? Her hair looks like it endured a bad Rite Aid dye job.
Jennifer Hudson: Patti LaBelle called — she wants her jacket back.
Meryl Streep: I guess when you’ve won as many awards as Streep, you can wear whatever the hell you want. Yeah, it’s Prada, but… ugh. She looked less like the devil and more like Mrs. Doubtfire. And what was that necklace? A prop from Mummy II? Is it the key to her ageless beauty or to ward off J. Lo?
Kate Winslet: She let her daughter pick out the color of her dress. It kind of, er, paled in comparison to other dresses we saw.
Cameron Diaz: Oh, no! Come on, Cameron, you gotta do better than that! Was that a napkin? Your sateen bed sheets? When your ex is shtupping Scarlett Johansson, you gotta pull out the big guns, not the tablecloth.