Rant: “That Would Be a Hate Crime!”

Ranters: Young man in “Legalize Gay” T-shirt; Perplexed Dude in Dodgers gear

Location: 217 bus, headed north on Fairfax

Time: 11:30 a.m. on a Tuesday

Topics Covered: Staring on buses; whether being stared at is the fault of the starer or staree; how being fascinated by public gayness does not necessarily make one gay; societal disapproval of heterosexuals expressing group pride; how the identity of an insulter might compromise the insult.

Does Rant Include Advice on Whom You Should Not Fuck With: Not directly.

The Rant:

Legalize Gay Guy: See something you like?

Perplexed Dude: What's that supposed to mean?

Legalize Gay Guy: I have never stared at a guy as hard as you've stared at me.

[Legalize Gay Guy exits bus. Perplexed Dude's girlfriend laughs. Seconds pass before Perplexed Dude manages to form a response.]

Perplexed Dude: What the fuck was that? If you don't want people staring, don't wear a shirt like that! Fuck yeah, I'm going to stare to try to figure out if you're fucking serious or not!

[Perplexed Dude's girlfriend advises him to calm down.]

Perplexed Dude: I don't need to! I'm not upset! I'm fine with them, and I don't care who anybody fucks just as long as it's not, like, you! But there's a double standard, here. If I walked around with a shirt saying “I'm Straight, Motherfuckers!” then that would be a hate crime!

[Perplexed Dude's girlfriend rolls eyes.]

Perplexed Dude: I'm not judging anyone! And what's really fucked is I was just looking, and then he acts like I might be the gay one? That's judgment!

Perplexed Dude's Girlfriend: I don't think he cares.

Perplexed Dude: He wishes. He's all about pride and legalizing but then he goes calling me homo like it's an insult. What kind of pride is that? If I was gay, I'd just be gay, and I wouldn't go around making it the world's business.

Perplexed Dude's Girlfriend: It'd be my business.

Perplexed Dude: You can't insult someone by calling them what you already are. That's an insult on you. You want to talk pride, how about having some for real?

LA Weekly