“It's the only trophy in sports that you can fuck,” says Chris Trew, host and creator of Air Sex World Championships, referring to the Fleshlight sex toy (a fake vagina) Air Sex finalists receive for their sex-rated efforts.

Beginning in Austin in 2007, Austin- and New Orleans-based comedian Trew began hosting local air sex championships before spreading his, er, legs and branching out with a cross-country Air Sex tour in 2009. “It went so well,” he says. “It was like, 'Well, I guess this is what we do now.'”

Flash forward a couple of years to last night's Air Sex competition at Los Angeles' Bootleg Theater, where approximately 75 audience members gathered to watch four Air Sex contestants gyrate, lick, and pump their way in hopes of being declared L.A.'s Air Sexiest.

Elle a.k. a. "Rubbin 'Hood"; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Elle a.k. a. “Rubbin 'Hood”; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Here's how it goes. Contestants choose a stage name. They choose a song. They get on stage. They fuck the air, simulating an invisible partner. Simple, right? Well, last night's fab four air-fuckers provided some stiff (don't pardon the pun) competition for each other.

With a panel of three judges comprised of Austin comedians Brock LaBorde, Alex Berry and Jenna Marie Carrie, the competition began.

Director/editor Carlo Alberto Orecchia, aka “The Italian,” pretended to be at a high school prom. With clumsy kissing, stiff slow dancing and erratic jerky movements, this was supposed to be his first sexual experience. It definitely felt awkward. Maybe that's how they do it in Italy?

Carlo Alberto Orecchia a.k.a. "The Italian"; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Carlo Alberto Orecchia a.k.a. “The Italian”; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Actor/producer Brenden Patrick Hill, or “B-Money,” mimed the usual foreplay. You know, sticking his fingers inside of a woman, shoving a banana up her lady parts, inserting a gun into his imaginary partner and accidentally shooting her to death before having sex with her corpse. Hey, he did set his vignette to “Happiness is a Warm Gun.” What's a boy supposed to do?

Brenden Patrick Hill a.k.a. "B-Money"; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Brenden Patrick Hill a.k.a. “B-Money”; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

The only woman to compete last night, a local hair stylist named Elle, air sexed with the stage name “Rubbin' Hood.” With her motto, “No panty left unmoist, no pant without wood,” she opted for realism. “Rubbin' Hood” simulated having such incredibly sensual and realistic sex with a woman, imaginary strap-on and all, you'd have sworn there was a very sexually pleased lady up there with her.

Actor Derek “D-Bone” Reckley, who finished second place at last year's nationals, emerged paying homage to Americana, dressed entirely in red, white and blue. “D-Bone,” grinding to the tune of Hulk Hogan's theme song “Real American,” strutted on stage and declared, “I came here to fuck air and enter your dreams at night, so when you're making love to your woman or man, you're thinking of me.”

His face covered in glitter, “D-Bone,” the only contestant in costume, wore gold chains, a bathrobe and sunglasses. He mesmerized the audience with his rock star meets WWF charisma. Mid-performance, he stripped down to his hairy chest, socks, briefs, and a gigantic American flag top hat. Holy Yankee Doodle randy.

After the first round, the judges eliminated “The Italian.” The poor fake virgin probably needs a few years to perfecto his craftissimo.

Air Sex World Championships Creator/Host Chris Trew; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

Air Sex World Championships Creator/Host Chris Trew; Credit: Shannon Cottrell

To determine the winner, the three remaining participants performed one last time before the audience's applause determined L.A.'s Air Sex champion to be Derek “D-Bone” Reckley, the obvious crowd favorite.

Offstage, with his Fleshlight in his hand, “D-Bone”, who will be flown to Austin to compete in the Air Sex finals next month, didn't break character. “I feel fantastic,” he said. “It's always a pleasure to be the best air-fucker in the city. I'm going to have tons of chicks over at my place tonight, with lots of cocaine and drugs.”

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