Now that the original version of Four Loko has been deemed unsafe by FDA decree — spawning loads of free publicity for the alcohol-fueled energy drink, a lucrative black market, a way to gas up your car, and, eventually, a stimulant-free formulation that beats the ban — a new product hopes to fill the gaping void.
If recent history teaches us anything, it's that consumer passion for the Bottled Cocktail of the Moment is inevitably followed by a near-hysterical “Won't somebody think of the children?” panic. Next in line for the Helen Lovejoy treatment: Adult Chocolate Milk (website is very AFW*).
Combining 40-proof vodka with “real cream” (hmmm…), the drink is sold in a “retro-chic” glass bottle with a swing top closure. Adult Chocolate Milk, which was inspired by a casual Facebook post, launched a couple months ago and is now available in 19 states. It has proved so popular, the parent company plans to branch out with Adult Orange Cream, Adult Fruit Punch and Adult Limeade in May.
For maximum legislative hand-wringing, we just need the Adult Beverage Company to add some caffeine into the mix, perhaps combining it with Starbuck's forthcoming 31-ounce Trenta. Until then, it's nice to know that when we're just too lazy to pour vodka and milk into the baby's bottle, we have a backup plan. Oh, you mean it isn't for infants…?
*AFW: Annoying For Work. i.e. the website endlessly plays a maddening jingle with no obvious way to turn it off. (When will this insanity end? Not until Flash is ripped from the stiff lifeless fingers of every website designer, apparently.)