Now now, child. You're way too pretty for tears. What's a promising young starlet like yourself doing way down there in the dumps on such a fine day as the Oscars?

Oh, shit — you lost the Best Actress statue to Natalie Portman? Well, do try to refrain from kinking the carpet and sending that bitch flying backward onto her fat, feathery (fine, pregnant) ass. Because in the end, you get to take home something worlds cooler than a naked gold guy.

You, dear loser, get a gift bag. We'll even throw in the eternal jealousy of the commoners, just for giggles.

On the real though. In case the nomination isn't enough to please them, Oscar contenders in all the major categories who don't win a statue get gift bags. Chock. Full. Of. Swag.

Lucky bastards. Here we have this year's consolation-bag contents, courtesy of Distinctive Assets:

  • Limited-edition box of electronic cigarettes with a Swarovski-encrusted logo. $100
  • Couture tunics, Italian silk neckwear with Swarovski crystals and a gift certificate. $875
  • Slimming body wrap. $156
  • Two boxes of chocolatines — in flavors like “white gold” and “balsamic pomegranate” — and a box of hot chocolate. $128
  • Gourmet cookies. $75
  • All-natural dog-cleaning supplies, including “Doggie Slobber Window & Glass Cleaner,” “Doggie Doo Doo Oxy Stain Remover” and “Thirsty Dog Toxic Free Toilet Bowl Cleaner.” $10
  • Ten personal-training sessions. $850
  • Twenty-one stays, three nights each, at a luxury hotel. $151,200
  • Air freshener. $9
  • “Shimmer invitation” [no idea] and toilet-paper roll. $20
  • Stem cell-based anti-aging serum. $375
  • Duffel bag with “inline skate wheel system.” $120

Celebrities slobber too; Credit: earthpawz

Celebrities slobber too; Credit: earthpawz

And that's just what the gift-bag company has accrued so far.

The bag, named “Everybody Wins at the Oscars” (awww), will be delivered to losers the hazy morning after the March 25 event.

What do you think? Would you rather be handed a tired old Oscar by a bunch of tasteless geezers, or two-and-a-half months worth of luxury-hotel life — with enough chocolate to replace every meal and Swarovski crystals to use as bathwater — by a totally glam swag outfitter?

Ah, the good life.

Originally posted February 1 at 4:20 p.m.


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