Illustration by Kii Arens

WE HERE AT L.A. WEEKLY are working on a more mature, measured and even productive response to last week’s election. Really we are. But even after putting artist Shepard Fairey’s portrayal of Bush as Satan on the cover last week, the wounds are still fresh. So indulge us for one more week as we present something we found on the Web from our arrogant liberal elite brethren in the Northeast that expresses how a lot of us are feeling. Yes, we all want to get along. Just not right now.

FUCK THE SOUTH. Fuck ’em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they’d stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves — yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We’re the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

’Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn’t bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing, lacy-shirt-sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead . . . Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, no. Get the fuck out. We’re not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your Real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states . . . Get it? We started this shit, so don’t get all uppity about how real you are, you Johnny-come-lately, “Oooooh I’ve been a state for almost a hundred years” dickheads. Fuck off . . .

The next dickwad who says, “It’s your money, not the government’s money” is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the 10 states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least . . . can you guess? . . . They’re red states. And eight of the 10 states that receive the least and pay the most? . . . Blue states. It’s not your money, assholes, it’s fucking our money. . .

Let’s talk about values for a fucking minute . . . Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate, you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It’s fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay-marriage universe . . . Think that’s just some aberration? How about this: Nine of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? . . . Ten of the top 10 are fucking red-ass, we’re-so-fucking-moral states.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you’re ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that’s okay because you go to church, right?

I mean, you do, right? ’Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time . . . Maybe we fucking Northerners don’t talk about religion as much as you because we’re not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you’re too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain’t us up here in the North, assholes.

Well, this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass . . .

(For the full text and links, check

“Happywar,” the artwork by Kii Arens on this page, is part of the “Happy War . . . It’s the Bomb!” exhibition currently showing through January 1
at La-La Land Gallery, 6450 Santa Monica Blvd., Hollywood, (323) 464-9964.

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