I'm not exactly the most “ass-friendly” person I know. In the past when men attempted to penetrate my pooper, my standard response was always, “It's an exit dude, not an entrance.”

Despite my reputation for having a large sexual appetite, that's the one dish I've had an issue serving.

My backside may have been more receptive to invasion had the few that dared been sensitive in broaching the subject.

Guys: You cannot poke a girl in the asshole with your penis and expect it to slide right in. Would that happen if I just tried to stick a dick in your ass?

We're on the same page, then.

Ladies: If you've been traumatized by callous lovers in the past then you know that some men have no idea how to park the ship without damaging the port. Gaining access to the rear canal takes time, patience and practice, but mainly it requires constant foreplay and lubrication.

Whether you're an anal advocate currently trying to get a girl to have butt sex with you, or you're a newbie considering taking the plunge for the first time, here's a list of 7 tips for the beginner getting it on in the behind:

1. Pep Talk

Want her to put out?  Start by talking it out.

Want her to put out? Start by talking it out.

Guys, if you're currently trying to get a girl to have ass sex with you and she's resistant, there are a few things you should address before attempting to open her back door – starting with the reason why she doesn't want you to.

Her opposition may be because she's tried it before and it wasn't a pleasant experience. If that's the case, you need to reassure her this time that with you, she's in good hands.

If it's something psychological, there may be past sexual trauma and it's best not to push the issue beyond getting her to open up about it.

2. Clean Up

Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.

Keep your friends close and your enemas closer.

You want to make sure there's no poop in the shooter. Ew, but essential. Pay proper attention to hygiene prior to so it's one less thing to worry about during sex.

Ladies, you should shower and use an enema to empty your colon and rectal region. Not to be gross, but no dude wants “dingleberries” on his dick/condom when he pulls out. It's awkward.

You may want to keep baby wipes by the bed and lay a towel under you during the act in case there are any fecal remnants or you need to wash off. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of dirty laundry.

3. More Foreplay

Distractions are welcome while working towards, well... cum.

Distractions are welcome while working towards, well… cum.

Having an object inserted into one's anus is not the most comfortable feeling, especially if it's of a substantial size. To be honest, it makes you feel like you have to take an enormous shit.

The best way to combat this sensation is to dazzle your lady with distraction by turning her on. Kiss her, suck her nipples, eat her out and tease her all over with your fingers, lips and tongue.

Speaking of fingers – guys, it's important to keep your nails trimmed especially if you're inserting them in an orifice, and please wash your hands before coming to bed.

Reassure her that you intend on spending as much time as she needs to feel relaxed and comfortable, and make sure you continue with foreplay throughout your sex session. Women are like Tootsie Pops; it takes a lot of licks to get to our soft center.

4. Use Toys

She should have been more specific when she said put a ring on it.

She should have been more specific when she said put a ring on it.

Foreplay includes rear end stimulation. Shop together prior to the big night and have your girl pick out her idea of the perfect sized anal trainer. Novelties for the novice can be found in any sex toy store or online toy site.

In bed pay attention to her erogenous zones (ears, neck, breasts, navel, inner thighs, clitoris, etc.) while working your way down to her asshole. Lick it slowly and tickle it lightly with your tongue, then insert the tip and leave it there for a few seconds. Do this a couple of times and soon the outer sphincter muscles will start to loosen up.

Introduce the trainer. Have her insert it (so she's in control), lubed up, in her bottom, and leave it there while you guys fool around a while. When you remove it, her butthole will have been trained to stay open and relaxed around your penis, making it easier to be entered.

5. Safety First

It's great to float like a butterfly, but avoid stinging like a bee with proper protection.

It's great to float like a butterfly, but avoid stinging like a bee with proper protection.

Anal Intercourse is considered a high-risk sexual practice so it's best to use condoms whenever engaging in it. The thin membrane inside the rectum is more prone to rips and tears than the tissue inside the vaginal canal which makes it easier to transmit the spread of HIV, HPV, Hep C, herpes, warts and other STD's.

Another big no-no is going from ass-to-vag with fingers, toys or cocks. We girls never wipe back-to-front on the toilet because it transfers bacteria to our vaginas. Boys, if you want to double dip, change condoms in between holes and wash your hands with wipes.

Read more about why ass-to-vag is NOT OK courtesy of Barbie Davenporte.

6. Over Lubricate

You win some, you lube some

You win some, you lube some

Your rectum doesn't manufacture its own moisture so you are going to have to compensate by using lube — lots and lots of lube. This is another reason having a towel in bed comes in handy.

Using a thicker gel is preferred over liquid for anal activities. Not only does it increase pleasure, reduce pain and prevent friction, but the consistency helps to keep the lubricant in place.

Never use lubrication with numbing properties because you won't be able to feel if you're being injured. Also beware the ones containing benzocaine as they will numb any body parts they come into contact with and can cause an allergic reaction in some people.

Read more about lubrication and how to choose the best product for you HERE.

7. Getting Down

Never be afraid to put your foot down.

Never be afraid to put your foot down.

Contrary to popular belief, “doggy style” is not the preferred position for an ass sex first-timer. Believe it or not, it's missionary. The anus is the most relaxed and accessible when a person lies on his or her back with knees by the shoulders. This position also allows easy stimulation to the clitoris.

“Spooning” is great for comfortable entry while giving the receiver control over penetration and depth. This is very important for the beginner. Inserting the head herself and having power over the pace will ensure minimal pain and injury.

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LA Weekly