Do you live with snooping roommates, insecure lovers or overprotective parents? Does your cleaning lady open drawers and “organize” personal items that should just be left alone?

Ever failed to clean up after your morning self-love session (May is Masturbation Month, after all) before inviting friends and loved ones over for Sunday dinner, only to find your 7-year-old cousin Jenny playing with the “cat toy” she found next to the bathtub?

You're not alone, and the clever sex toy designers of the world are more than aware.

Several have put their deliberately dirty minds together to come up with some wonderfully discreet sex toys that, at first or second glance, your visitors would never know actually spend significant amounts of time in your vag, up your butt or around your cock.

1. The Fleshlight

I'm sorry, did you say something?

I'm sorry, did you say something?

With the cap on, this device looks like a flashlight sitting on your bookshelf waiting to save the day during the next blackout. But remove that shiny lens cap and you'll find one of three different orifices from which the company lets its lucky shoppers choose.

Stick your dick in an eager mouth, tight backdoor or eerily anatomically accurate vagina and marvel in the customizable inner core designed to as closely match the real thing as soft silicone (with a dollop or five of water-based lube) can.

And when you're done, no one needs to know you've just jerked it for an hour and didn't bother to clean up. Just put a lid on it.

2. Vibrating Sponge

Squeeze it and make it foam.

Squeeze it and make it foam.

Genius. In case you're one of the seven poor souls who haven't yet discovered the wonder of masturbating in the shower, pick yourself up this vibrating sponge and get ready to change the way you clean yourself.

This remarkably soft sponge – which suds up just as well as the next body pouf – has a mini bullet vibrator hidden inside that's powerful enough to make the entire thing buzz. With the push of a button you can work yourself into a lather in minutes and get yourself cleaner than you ever thought possible.

And, duh, it's waterproof so you can take as many showers as you want without worrying about a short circuit. In fact, we're showering right now.

3. Vibrating Lint Brush

Roll one on and rub one out.

Roll one on and rub one out.

Cute. There's a hairbrush model similar to this one, but we like the fact that this looks like something you'd find from the Martha Stewart collection.

Got pets? Have hair all over your clothes? We don't, cuz we keep a lint brush in every room. So when there's an extra-pretty looking lint brush sitting on the kitchen counter (don't ask) the last thing guests will question is whether or not there's a motor inside.

4. Vibrating Soap

This is the kind of soap you're encouraged to drop in the shower.

This is the kind of soap you're encouraged to drop in the shower.

This clever product smells great, glides smoothly on the skin, and has another one of those secret bullet vibrators nestled inside to turn this everyday essential into…well…a different kind of everyday essential.

And if you're really clever, once you've used up this bar (give it a week) you can try scooping holes into other scented soaps of your choice and turning them into squeaky clean sex toys. People will start noticing how good you smell and ask, “Hey, what's your secret?”

And when you tell them, “Oh I shower five times a day,” your sex compulsion will appear as a simple obsession with hygiene. There are worse things to be compulsive about, right?

5. Vibrating Lipstick

This one glides across your lips. (So many puns, so little time.)

This one glides across your lips. (So many puns, so little time.)

A personal favorite and a go-to gift for all of our girlfriends. This simple, adorable and (most importantly) portable little vibrator is a simple one-speed wonder that really does look like the real thing.

With the cap on this massager fits in a purse, pocket or glove compartment and takes up little to no space. Take the cap off and it still looks like anything other than a sex toy. But when you put it on your lips, well…then the secret's out.

6. Vibrating Rubber Duckie

Rub a dub dub.

Rub a dub dub.

Possibly the most discreet – and cutest – of the bunch, this little guy brightens up your bathroom as it patiently waits for your next bathtub tryst. Nothing about this toy says “I make women come hard” (which might catch you off guard at first) and even the “on” button is crafty. Just press the duck's back to scroll through three vibration speeds.

And it's waterproof and unassuming to the touch (it doesn't weigh 5 pounds or rattle), which means it can actually be used as a tub toy AND a “tub toy.” So when your sister visits with your curious little nephew in tow there's no need to lock up your duckie along with your flogger, 7-inch dildo and lube supply.


LA Weekly