The Powder Room, a new cocktail lounge that soft-opened yesterday (with the official opening Nov. 22) on Cahuenga in Hollywood, is soon to be known as “that place with the $500 milkshake.”

Imagine a spot with white snakeskin bar stools, a black marble–topped bar and curved wood walls, filled to the brim with industry douchebags hung with would-be actress/models with eating/personality disorders.

The “still being perfected” (according to the cocktail menu) recipe “by Award winning [sic] mixologist Adrianne Biggs” includes (in all caps and bold on the menu, but we'll spare you) “premium spirits, edible gold and premium Belgian chocolate topped off with a Swarovski ring to take home.” The concoction is called “the Velvet Goldmine.”

Powder Room managing partner John Arakaki told Eater L.A.: “I remember loving Cracker Jack boxes as a kid and getting the prize at the end of it. It's taking that philosophy to another level of execution.”

Other spirited milkshakes on the menu, whose prices mysteriously remain under wraps, include one with Chambord, tres letches [sic], chipotle chiles and chocolate ice cream; another with Jack Daniels blended with apples caramelized with cinnamon, nutmeg and cayenne pepper with vanilla ice cream; Zing red velvet vodka (what?) blended with red velvet cake, vodka-soaked cherries, cream cheese frosting, crushed salted pretzels and vanilla ice cream topped with cream cheese whipped cream; and strawberry cream vodka blended with fresh strawberry puree, brandy, shortcake cookies and tapioca pudding.

We hope this trend dies quickly.

We may have a touch of OCD, but so many troubling questions immediately come to mind about “the Velvet Goldmine.”

First, who is the target audience for a $500 boozy milkshake? Who, exactly, would find that appetizing and be impressed by it? High school cheerleaders come to mind. That's not legal.

Second, who likes premium spirits mixed with chocolate? Who thinks it's cool to daintily dab gold leaf off of her lips? Again, we are thinking developmentally immature individuals with unsophisticated palates here. Also, tacky people.

Now, that Swarovski ring. Do you really want to put a tiny object with sharp edges into a thick, boozy drink that will be consumed by a developmentally immature individual? Also, what color will it be? If it's anything other than pink, forget it.

Third, we'd like to invite David Bowie to sue for tainting the image of '70s glam-rock by calling this monstrosity “the Velvet Goldmine” when clearly it should be called “the Kardashian,” or more simply “the Doucheshake.”

Powder Room: 1606 N. Cahuenga Blvd., Hollywood; (323) 469-5001.

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LA Weekly