Southern California is the capital of many things — earthquakes, surf and skate culture, yoga. You can add to that list crazy dog people.
The weather is ideal for pet-walking. And we have the space for proper canine care — backyards, dog parks, your neighbor's lawn — that can be harder to come by in crowded East Coast cities.
But this is L.A. We like to take things to the extreme. Here are the 5 Types of L.A. Dog People We Love to Hate:
5. Surfing-dog people. Taking your dog to beaches that allow pets can be a true joy. Watching Fido gallop through the emerging tide, get his little paws wet, and smile is just awesome. But folks here have to make a wholesome activity wholly ridiculous by plunging their pooches in ice-cold Pacific seawater to prove they can, like many four-legged creatures, stand on a flat surface — in this case, a surfboard. Why do they torture their pets like this? To show off and, frankly, to attract the opposite sex. Not cool.
4. Dog-kissing people. We know your dog is part of the family. We know he's your baby, your child, your life. Sometimes he even eats better than you. Organic all the way.
But getting kissie-kissie with Rover? No. Uh-uh. Some of you Beverly Hills housewives out there use even hand sanitizer after a full-body scrub at the day spa. How are you going to make out with an animal? Oprah says you can get stomach flu, salmonella and ringworm from close contact with your furry best friend. This is Oprah speaking! Plus, it's a public disgrace. Get a room, at least.
3. Dog-as-accessories people. These people should be shot. Not because they torture their pets by taking them everywhere, including the public bathroom. Not because these pets have to spend half their lives in a glorified handbag. Not because the poor little dogs are forced to see and smell the world at arm-pit level. But because the rest of the world has become infatuated with toy breeds, namely chihuahuas, simply because everyone wants the latest fashion accoutrement. They just don't want to feed it, give it water and care for it. And so chihuahuas have been left homeless en masse in Southern California, the victims of fashion crime.
2. Dog-pampering people. There are people who barely have enough to eat right here in Los Angeles, yet your pooch gets treated better than the help. Doggie day spas? Pet massage? Canine yoga? Medical marijuana for your dog? Jeez, people, do you really have that much money to burn? And what about these freaks who keep their pets alive with the magic of modern medicine? You're dishing out cruel and unusual punishment. Stop with the IV bags, prosthetics and round-the-clock vet care. You're doing it for yourself, not your dog. Let go. Misery doesn't want company like yours.
And our most hated dog people are …
1. Tough-dog people. Of all the types of dog people we love to hate, this is the one that can truly cause trouble. Because their pets will eat your face.
The cholo strolling down the boardwalk with his hyna on his arm and his pit bull on a leash. The gangster white boy whose rottweiler is part of the arsenal of weapons he hopes to use to destroy all minorities. The scared Echo Park yuppie who thinks it's his right to scare the shit out of neighbors with his vicious canine. We once had a pit bull nibble on our shoes at the beach in Venice. The dog's owner said, “She just wants to play.” We said, “But we don't want to play.” At least put your passive-aggressive manifestation of your unquenchable anger on a leash. Or — or — see a therapist about your burning rage.