The real hurricane today is ravaging the West Coast, you wussies:
Pitbull has made a big wet whopper of a proposal to Lindsay Lohan on Univision. He's proposed that, instead of battling him in court over what she believes to have been an unflattering, “derogatory” name-check on his Top 40 electro ballad “Give Me Everything,” she should just let him take her to the VMAs.
Now, the VMAs can be an embarrassing place to try out new & zany things, and we wouldn't recommend this to just anybody. But hear us out, girl:
You need to let Pitbull take you to the VMAs.
5. Everybody and their mother may have interpreted Pitbull's lyric as “I got locked up like Lindsay Lohan” — as in, jail time. But you heard the man:
“When I mentioned Lindsay Lohan in the record, it was a really positive message,” he told Univision. “When I say 'I got it locked up'…that means you run that neighborhood. When I say 'I got it locked up like Lindsay Lohan,' I say she runs her world, I'm trying to run mine.”
See? He didn't mean it in a bad way! He may have even implied you have street cred. Jesus.
4. Pitbull is a hot commodity in many circles. Perhaps not in your coked-out, fag-hagged Venice Beach circle, but try to de-narrow your mascara vision for a second here. If this was anywhere south of the border, girls of much finer social standing than yourself would be paying Pitbull to wear them as arm candy; even la Narcomami, we bet, would expose herself to the world (and the feds) for a chance to back up the Bull at Nokia Theatre this Sunday.
3. You took your mom to Kim Kardashian's wedding. (See photo, right.) What's more, your mom is Dina Lohan. Are you really going to try and tell Pitbull he's unworthier than your mom/Dina Lohan right now?
2. In the lawsuit, you describe yourself as “a professional actor of good repute and standing in the Screen Actors Guild.” (No wonder Pitbull originally thought the legal docs were an “ironic” practical joke.) But let's get real here: Your reputation is in need of some mending. And your attempts at a music career, if you can call it that, have been even uglier. Pitbull, on the other hand, has like 50 songs on the FM dial at any given moment: Dude's bigger than J.Lo when it comes to the Latino-Cali radiopop boom (so hot right now!). Set aside the botox-inflated ego and realize: This is your chance to be awesome again. Like, “Parent Trap” awesome.
1. Really? You're going to stand up (and, uh, sue) the guy who somehow just rhymed your unrhymable name with “I'm tip-toeing to keep blowing”? Just try not to love him:
Do it for the people, Lindsay! Or, if not, at least so the VMAs don't suck quite as horrifically as last year. We patiently await your reply, the best way you know how.